Alkali Hall Poem by Robert James Campbell Stead

When Lord Landseeker came out West to have a look around,
And spend a little money if the right thing could be found,
He hadn't breathed the prairie air more than a day or two
Until he was the centre of a philanthropic crew
Who sought to show His Lordship all the short-cuts to success
(Though why they should have troubled, His Lordship couldn't guess,
For each was losing money, as he candidly contest,
Which seemed to be a fashion with the dealers in the West).

Thus His Lordship grew suspicious that his ' friends' would turn him down,
And he quietly bought a ticket to a little country town;
But he didn't know the message that was flashed along the wire
To a simple country dealer in the land of his desire;
And it read: ' Look out for Goggles, he'll be with you this a.m.'
And the crowd around the station—well, he merely smiled to them,
And thought it jolly decent they'd assemble, don't-cherknow,
And file along behind him as they followed, in a row.

The snow had fallen softly all the calm November night,
And the morning found the prairies with a covering of white;
But His Lordship took a citizen who * happened' in his way,
And they drove into the country for the most part of the day,
Until they reached a section that was flat and free from stone,
And the citizen remarked about a fellow he had known
Who offered thirty dollars for this section in the fall,
But the owner wanted forty, or he wouldn't sell at all.

Then His Lordship drove across it, and it seemed to catch his eye,
And he whispered to the driver, ' That's the section I will buy';
So in town they found the owner, who was very loath to sell,
But he finally consented, if His Lordship wouldn't tell
That the price was forty dollars by the acre; this agreed,
A lawyer drew the papers and His Lordship got the deed,
And he sailed across the ocean with the satisfying thought
That he 'd followed his own judgment in the bargain he had bought.

The winter snows had vanished and the spring was growing late,
When Lord Landseeker came again to view his real .estate,
And he drove out in a buggy to where his section lay,
And his heart was very happy as he smoked along the way
Till the section burst upon them, and he scarce believed his sight,
For the land lay in the sunshine, flashing back a snowy white. . . .
And His Lordship stooped and felt it, and he heaved a little sigh,
As the knowledge dawned upon him that his land was —alkali!

His Lordship did some thinking as they journeyed back to town,
And his wonted happy features were o'ershadowed with a frown;
But he neither crawled nor blustered, neither bluffed nor swore nor kicked,
(For the men from little England never know when they are licked),
But he advertised for tenders for construction on the land,
And the buildings he erected were the best he could command;
With a hundred rooms for students, and quarters for the staff,
And the workman often wondered what made His Lordship laugh!

In the papers of Old England there appeared a little ad,
For the benefit of parents whose sons were going bad;
'Teach your boys the art of farming in the great Canadian West;
Our instruction is unrivalled, our curriculum the best;
There's a grate in every chamber and a bath in every hall,
And a full dress-suited dinner every ev'ning, free to all;
There is tennis, polo, marksmanship, and half the day in bed,
And we make them into farmers for a hundred pounds a head.'
. . . . . . . . . . . .
His Lordship's college prospers and is crowded to the doors
With ' students' playing poker while the ' servants' do the chores;
What they do not know of farming they make up in other lines,
They are judges of tobacco and connoisseurs of wines;
They are experts at the races and at sundry other games —
Though they couldn't tell the breeching of the harness from the hames —
Though they 're far from home and kindred they occasion no alarm,
That was what their parents wanted when they sent them out to farm.