An (Ir) Rational Fear Called Failure Poem by Vera Rose

A while ago, on a rather rainy day,  

A close friend asked me a question 

That took my breath away.




A simple six words

And my world began to tilt,  

Offcentered on its (already) rickety axis;  

'What are you so afraid of? ' she said. 




And I, well I, could've said something simple,  

Like afraid of the dark,

or afraid of heights.

Afraid of ghosts,

or afraid of being alone. 

But those are all fears that have faded with age.

And into the back of my mind,

become unknown.  




My fear is larger than me;  

Its presence fills the tiny, cramped room. 

My fear overshadows my life, haunts my waking hours with gloom. 

My fear stands beside me at night, and 

while I rest, it enters my mind. 

Strangles me from the inside, and   

Isolates me from the rest of (what could be) my life;




I don't want to be a failure.  

To the point where I decide it's better not to try sometimes

Because when I do try, it ends with despair. 

I end up alone, on the bathroom floor. 

Just me and my fear. 




It sucks the life out of me,   

Feeds off my insecurities, and tells me:  




I'll never be enough no matter how hard I try 

I'll always mess up. 

And I'll probably cry. 

I'll do well but not as well as I want to in the end. 

And then,  

What… then?  




I can do my best but if my best isn't good enough?

I feel like i've done enough, tried enough,

Maybe even  

Broken, once and for all

like a piece of delicate glass. Perfection, now a thing of the past.  

Because all I know is 

my fear 

of failure. 




But, I don't try to escape it.

Because I cannot outrun it. I never can. 

I dream of running towards it,  

extending a shaky hand and

Pulling it into an embrace,  




As if to finally say,  

you have no control over my life, for the rest of my days. 

But for now, these dreams will stay as dreams. 

My fear will stay a part of me. 

But maybe, just maybe, not forever. 




The answer to my friend,

in the end, was a simple

'I don't know, ' although 

I knew what I was afraid of. 

I also knew that deep down, I refused

to let my fear of failure be final.