Assimulation Or Castration Poem by Mustafa Marconi

One by one I watched them drift further and further away
Taking with them something special we collectively use to share
It seemed to me a long line of puzzling and confusing scenarios
Where all of my inner most circles were somehow
Uprooted and transplanted into another place and time
One by one I watched as everyone that I loved and respected
Turned their backs to me
Not believing the choices I was abruptly and foolishly making
Nor the lonesome journey I was so willingly prepared to travel
I couldn’t understand their staunch opposition
Surmised that it may have been rooted in envy
Motivated by jealousy, or fueled by insecurity
One by one I watched them alienate me
Ridiculing me, despising what they insisted to be
A most glaring weakness in my character
I sometimes wondered how my own flesh and blood
Could take sides against me, speak ill of me, basically condemn me
How my closest compardres could desert me
On the eve of the most important battles of our times
And as I stand here in this desolate foxhole
Armed with only a small caliber weapon with no ammunition
Prepared to launch into various conflicts you have orchestrated
With lies, deceit, and manipulation
I find myself by myself, alone and confuse
For your battle-cries have always been “us against the world”
“Me for you and you for me”
And as you adamantly pleaded to me over and over
To disassociate myself from those of my past
To break off long standing alliances
And shun my loyal friends and supporters
Blindly I obliged,
Believing that we was the most important word in our dictionary
Believing that those actions would unequivocally
Proclaim my undying loyalty and devotion
Earn me my rightful place as head of my household
King of my castle

But now I stand here all alone
Toothless and de-clawed
Once a proud and fearless lion
Now weak and diseased
Left alone by the pride to perish in silence
And as the tears of disillusion clouds my vision
I realize that all of the pieces of your past are standing by you
Comforting you, and strengthening you
Encouraging you to pick up the pieces and move on
To abandon that loser who doesn’t deserve you
To emancipate yourself from this spineless human being
Who evidently is not man enough to deal
With such a strong and progressive black woman
So now it comes down to recognition and reconciliation
First and foremost I must recognize that I am a man
And that despite your semi- successful attempts
To mold me into this poor and pitiful excuse of a man
That disgracefully stands before you
A puppet with no opinion and no intestinal fortitude
A tool to be used at your discretion
To be manipulated as only you see fit
Attempting to break my will and control it
To hold the balance of my existence
In the palm of your hand
And like a weak and frustrated little boy
I watched you pick out my clothes
Dictating the activities and hobbies I pursue
What time I come home, who I can see
What I should feel, how I should feel
What kind of man have I become?
It is clear to me that this image looking at me
From this mirror is an imposter
An intellect deficient clone of who I really am
A spineless yes man, a human punching bag
Isolated and imprisoned
Stripped of all of my resources
Unable now to stand on my own
After years of sustaining everything and everyone
That mattered to you
How I empowered you to reduce me into this empty shell of a man
Is beyond my wildest imagination
Acknowledge that your definition of a man
Conflicts with my definition of what a man should be
Made in the image of God, I bow to no one
And despite the many weaknesses I have displayed
And all of my human flaws significantly magnified
By my overzealous need to relentlessly please you
I must respect the fact that I am a man
I was born a man and I will die a man
So therefore I must conduct myself
Like the man I think I should be
And continuously strive to become
The man God intended me to be
And with that come reconciliation
The ability to forgive myself
To understand my weaknesses and flaws
To step out of my own body
And see me from different perspectives
Different points of view and different angles
To see every intimate detail of who I am
From the outside looking in
And compare them to the person I fancy myself to be
And maybe somewhere in between
I’ll discover the real me
And continue my quest
To be the best man that I can be