Rose Marie Jones

Rookie - 0 Points (2/19/2002)

Brutal Vampire - Poem by Rose Marie Jones

A Screenplay by Alexis Jackson

EXT. A GREASY DINER - AFTERNOON

Considerate Princess LADY NAOMI RANDALL is arguing with cute Bounty Hunter SIR JOHN COCKLE. NAOMI tries to hug JOHN but he shakes her off.

NAOMI
Please John, don't leave me.
JOHN
I'm sorry Naomi, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away.
NAOMI
I am such a person!
JOHN frowns.

JOHN
I'm sorry, Naomi. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
JOHN leaves.

NAOMI sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, optimistic Waiter LUKE RUSSELL barges in looking flustered.

NAOMI
Goodness, Luke! Is everything okay?
LUKE
I'm afraid not.
NAOMI
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
LUKE
It's... a vampire... I saw an evil vampire killing a bunch of humans!
NAOMI
Defenseless humans?
LUKE
Yes, defenseless humans!
NAOMI
Bloomin' heck, Luke! We've got to do something.
LUKE
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
NAOMI
You can start by telling me where this happened.
LUKE
I was...
LUKE fans himself and begins to wheeze.

NAOMI
Focus Luke, focus! Where did it happen?
LUKE
Chippewa Square! That's right - Chippewa Square!
NAOMI springs up and begins to run.


EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

NAOMI rushes along the street, followed by LUKE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.


EXT. CHIPPEWA SQUARE - SHORTLY AFTER

FELICITY WALKEE a brutal vampire terrorises two humans.

NAOMI, closely followed by LUKE, rushes towards FELICITY, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

LUKE
What is is? What's the matter?
NAOMI
That's not just any old vampire, that's Felicity Walkee!
LUKE
Who's Felicity Walkee?
NAOMI
Who's Felicity Walkee? Who's Felicity Walkee? Only the most brutal vampire in the universe!
LUKE
Blinkin' knickers, Naomi! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most brutal vampire in the universe!
NAOMI
You can say that again.
LUKE
Blinkin' knickers, Naomi! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most brutal vampire in the universe!
NAOMI
I'm going to need garlic and grenades, lots of garlic and grenades.
Felicity turns and sees Naomi and Luke. He grins an evil grin.

FELICITY
Naomi Randall, we meet again.
LUKE
You've met?
NAOMI
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young NAOMI is sitting in a park listening to some classical music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees FELICITY. She takes off her headphones.

FELICITY
Would you like some strawberries?
NAOMI's eyes light up, but then he studies FELICITY more closely, and looks uneasy.

NAOMI
I don't know, you look kind of brutal.
FELICITY
Me? No. I'm not brutal. I'm the least brutal vampire in the world.
NAOMI
Wait, you're a vampire?
NAOMI runs away, screaming.


EXT. CHIPPEWA SQUARE - PRESENT DAY

FELICITY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
LUKE
(To NAOMI) You ran away?
NAOMI
(To LUKE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
NAOMI turns to FELICITY.

NAOMI
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
NAOMI runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

NAOMI
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with garlic and grenades.
FELICITY
I'm not scared of you.
NAOMI
You should be.

EXT. A SUPERMARKET - LATER THAT DAY

NAOMI and LUKE walk around searching for something.

NAOMI
I feel sure I left my garlic and grenades somewhere around here.
LUKE
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly garlic and grenades.
NAOMI
You know nothing Luke Russell.
LUKE
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, FELICITY appears, holding a pair of garlic and grenades.

FELICITY
Looking for something?
LUKE
Crikey, Naomi, he's got your garlic and grenades.
NAOMI
Tell me something I don't already know!
LUKE
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
NAOMI
I know that already!
LUKE
I jackoff daily to hot customers.
FELICITY
(appalled) Dude!
While FELICITY is looking at LUKE with disgust, NAOMI lunges forward and grabs her deadly garlic and grenades. He wields them, triumphantly.

NAOMI
Prepare to die, you brutal parsnip!
FELICITY
No please! All I did was killing a bunch of humans!
JOHN enters, unseen by any of the others.

NAOMI
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those humans were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Naomi Randall defender of innocent humans.
FELICITY
Don't hurt me! Please!
NAOMI
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these garlic and grenades on you right away!
FELICITY
Because Naomi, I am your father.
NAOMI looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

NAOMI
No you're not!
FELICITY
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
FELICITY tries to grab the garlic and grenades but NAOMI dodges out of the way.

NAOMI
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, FELICITY slumps to the ground.

LUKE
Did he just faint?
NAOMI
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly garlic and grenades.
NAOMI crouches over FELICITY's body.

LUKE
Be careful, Naomi. It could be a trick.
NAOMI
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Felicity Walkee is dead!
NAOMI
What?
NAOMI
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
LUKE claps his hands.

LUKE
So your garlic and grenades did save the day, after all.
JOHN steps forward.

JOHN
Is it true? Did you kill the brutal vampire?
NAOMI
John how long have you been...?
JOHN puts his arm around NAOMI.

JOHN
Long enough.
NAOMI
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Felicity Walkee.
JOHN
Then the humans are safe?
NAOMI
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable humans enter, looking relived.

JOHN
You are their hero.
The humans bow to NAOMI.

NAOMI
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Felicity Walkee will never killing humans ever again, is enough for me.
JOHN
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the humans passes NAOMI a mystical bell

JOHN
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
NAOMI
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

NAOMI
Well, if you insist.
NAOMI takes the bell.

NAOMI
Thank you.
The humans bow their heads once more, and leave.

NAOMI turns to JOHN.

NAOMI
Does this mean you want me back?
JOHN
Oh, Naomi, of course I want you back!
NAOMI smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

NAOMI
Well you can't have me.
JOHN
WHAT?
NAOMI
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a vampire to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
JOHN
But...
NAOMI
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Luke.
LUKE grins.

JOHN
But...
LUKE
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
JOHN
Naomi?
NAOMI
I'm sorry John, but I think you should skidaddle.
JOHN leaves.

LUKE turns to NAOMI.

LUKE
Did you mean that? You know... that I'm your best friend?
NAOMI
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly LUKE stops.

LUKE
When I said I jackoff daily to hot customers, you know I was just trying to distract the vampire don't you?
THE END

Topic(s) of this poem: princess, vampire, violence


Comments about Brutal Vampire by Rose Marie Jones

This member does not wish to get comments on his/her poem(s).



Read this poem in other languages

This poem has not been translated into any other language yet.

I would like to translate this poem »

word flags


Poem Submitted: Sunday, September 4, 2016

Poem Edited: Tuesday, September 6, 2016


Famous Poems

  1. Still I Rise
    Maya Angelou
  2. The Road Not Taken
    Robert Frost
  3. If You Forget Me
    Pablo Neruda
  4. Dreams
    Langston Hughes
  5. Annabel Lee
    Edgar Allan Poe
  6. Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
    Robert Frost
  7. If
    Rudyard Kipling
  8. Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep
    Mary Elizabeth Frye
  9. Television
    Roald Dahl
  10. I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You
    Pablo Neruda
[Report Error]