Chaos Is Home Poem by DUUT NADJAT ZUBERU

What a bright day it is, to feel alive.
To finally wake from a dream where everything once felt perfect
only to realize that perfect was never really perfect at all.
Now I maneuver through the ways of life,
where family isn't always family,
and friends hurt you the most.
The only person who makes me feel better is me
the same me who thinks I deserve the pain.
Not until I started thinking of how to make things better,
of how to deserve better,
did I choose myself first.
People called that selfishness.
But what is a life fully lived,
or a dream fully achieved,
without a little selfishness?
It's funny how I dream of living lavish,
yet spend my whole day cuddling my soft little pillow.
Maybe I need something more
because overthinking and daydreaming solve nothing.
It took me years to accept
that it's only me.
That no one else would hold my hand
when I needed someone to.
And when I finally did,
life felt boring.
Betrayal here and there.
Finding peace in toxicity.
Breaking myself over and over
just to prove myself to others.
Do you ever want to be like me?
Because I wouldn't want to be like me.
I want to walk with my head held high,
to speak boldly like I always do in my head,
and for once, not catch a fever when I'm in front of a crowd.
Do you ever feel lonely
even when you're surrounded by people?
No, right?
So why do you see my perfect smile
and wish you were me?
I can't be myself anymore.
I grew up without a personality of my own,
always trying to fit in,
always trying to please.
I wanted to be pleased too.
To be the leader for once.
But would that ever happen?
Do I even have what it takes?
Maybe I do.
But no one helped me discover it.
Maybe if I hadn't been forced to grow up too early.
Maybe if I hadn't been bullied by those I looked up to.
Maybe if I had been loved the way every child deserves.
Maybe I would feel normal.
Maybe I wouldn't search for love where there is none.
Maybe I would have chosen myself sooner
instead of taking myself for granted.
Oh, how I wish I could really know me
so I wouldn't seek validation from the wrong places.
I feel trapped in chaos.
But do I really know chaos?
Because that's where I've learned to find comfort.