Dear Father. Poem by Anurag Goel

It was an evening time, calm and slow
My brother and I was watching a TV show,
And as always, you were lying still,
Fighting the pain against your will.
You could not walk, you couldn't speak
Your body had grown tired and weak,
Over the years you stayed in the bed
Five long years of pain you felt.

We had our tea, and a simple snack
It was like everyday and nothing jacked,
You groaned in pain, a familiar sound
We had grown listening it all around.
My mother went to you, as she would
She sat beside you, trying to understand,
Trying hard to hear what you say
What your fading words trying to say.

And I was so lost in that cartoon show
Too unaware of the coming blow,
And in the middle of it, your last breath
You quietly slipped away in death.
My mother checked your pulse right then
A nurse who knew that moment's end,
And suddenly her cries broke through
A pain so loud, so deep, so true…

My world shook and time stood still
But tears did not fall, against my will,
You suffered long, I always knew
So I thanked God for freeing you.
I was just 11, small but strong
But I stood silent all along,
The next morning, the house was filled
Relatives gathered and the air stood still.

Some just watched, some of them laughed
While we both carried our path,
One side on me, the other on my brother
We carried you close to each other,
Step by step, with hearts so bound
We took you to the cremation ground,
With trembling hands I lit the fire
And watched my world burn on that pyre…

Flames rose high before my eyes
Deep inside I hid my silent cries,
I felt the rising heat, but I did not weep
Some wounds are buried far too deep.

We came back home after the rituals were done
And life moved on for everyone,
Slowly people forgot your name
As if nothing had ever changed,
I never spoke of you again
Kept it locked inside my head,
Questions came but I turned away
Some answers I could never say…

"How did he die? What was he like?
Did he love you? " questions strike,
I really had answers, deep and true
But silence was all I always chose.
Years went by day after day
Nineteen years just slipped away.
13 April 2007, I remember still
The day life bent against my will.

I never thought of you those years
But today I write this with silent tears,
If you were here, things would change
And life wouldn't feel so cold and strange.

My mother would have had your support
You wouldn't let people hurt us,
My brother wouldn't be into drugs
Everything would have been different than this fuss.
People would know me by your name
Respect and love wouldn't be the same,
I would have someone to share my pain
A guiding hand through loss and gain…

Relatives would visit us more
Life would not feel this empty core,
I would be more social and less alone
Not carrying burdens on my own,
You would be my mentor, strong and wise
Not just a memory in disguise.

I wouldn't be stuck in work I hate
Or feel so lost and go with fate,
People wouldn't use me this way
If you were here father, I would be okay…


I remember everything, pa,
Every silence, every groan, every scar,
Just because I never speak
Doesn't mean I don't remember anything.
I never forgot… not even a part
You still live inside my heart.

I don't forget things
I don't know if it's a curse or a blessing,
But I miss you more than my words can show
More than you will ever know…

I hope you are resting in peace…
I will be alright.