Griselda Poem by Rhona McFerran

There was a garden gnome named Griselda
who lived by my back garden gate
she was nasty and mean, at times quite obscene
to Gregor, her poor garden mate.

She screeched and she stomped as she threw things
like my spade and my best flower-pots
she awaited on my roof- no escape, oh forsooth!
No avoiding her devious plots!

She found the fake rock in my flowerbed
where I'd hidden our spare house-key
I'm not crazy my dear, but I suddenly feared
that she'd put something into my tea!

What was that just under my tea bag-
was it a toadstool of some sort?
My stomach started churning as the toadstool was turning
into a small lemur with warts!

Oh, where did this awful beast come from?
He smiled, tipped his wee hat to me.
Not really a pest, but his grin was grotesque
'though his manners were gentlemanly...

I covered my eyes for a moment
and to my relief, he was gone-
but a strange conga-line sporting underwear (mine? !)
was out merrily painting my lawn!

In various hues psychedelic,
Griselda and her garden gnome fiends
were madly displacing, distorting, defacing
my view by all mischievous means...

And worse, they were singing in chorus
a horrible polka-type song
and Griselda's foul singing was rapidly bringing
yowling cats in great sing-a-long throngs!

Overwhelmed by the swirling colors
and that song- oh, how my head throbbed!
I retreated to my room, where amid the dark gloom
Gregor groaned, and he grieved, and he sobbed.

A timid little gnome, quite by nature
the most fragile you ever will meet
he screamed with great fright as I turned on the light
and fell dead in a faint at my feet.

I finally revived the poor fellow
with whiskey and a Japanese fan
and 'though he was shaken, I saw he was taken
by the mention of forming a plan...

He pulled some odd stuff from his pockets
and ground them into a fine powder
we mixed some in cakes, sprinkled some on some steaks
and poured all the rest in some chowder...

We laid out this feast for Griselda
and she barged in with eyes bright and beady
although quite suspicious, the food looked delicious
so she ate it, for she was quite greedy!

Then she paused for a moment, and grimaced
a faraway look in her eye
then she giggled and leered, wobbled and veered
and we knew she was hammered and high!

She mumbled a bit about goblins
and pixies, her face in a wince
then (Gregor delighted)she took off affrighted
and we haven't seen or heard from her since!