Heart, Love, Closure. Poem by hazel jackson

I find myself asking God more often nowadays to 'keep my heart good, don't let it change'—more than I used to, or ever have before. I know He hears me, but sometimes even my own words fall short of letting me hear myself. I start to feel OK again for a while, and then I stare at you for a moment with love, but then everything that was once in my mind, my heart, the feeling that was balled up in my gut comes back, and I'm all the way back where I started. Until I can get the closure, I need to block out those feelings and thoughts, I can't let it go. Part of me wants so badly to confront the issue and say what's on my mind, but I know there is a time and a place for everything. I just wish that time would get here quickly so I can feel OK again. Sometimes I'm unsure if I can even follow through, but I know that I have to. This is how I intend to protect my heart, even though it's already so deep, and I don't know if I can. All I know right now is that I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to question. I just want to love, be loved, and be happy. In this world, in life, you have to feel... We need to in order to learn. I feel sometimes I've learned lessons that weren't even for me to learn but I caught that part of someone else's life just by being in the wrong place with people who didn't care if I suffered with them even though my heart didn't do anything to deserve to be tampered with, to be beaten on I was here for moral support not to get the bad end of the stick like...now all I long for is peace this shit isn't where it's at no more it hurts to much my trust is being tested every second and I'm worried about my heart it doesn't feel like it has another fight left in her to get back on top of my game like I once was I've been fighting not just my own wars but others as well I'm honestly tiered and my strength is so low my eyes hurt my mind stings and my body is so past its point of return I don't remember a beginning. So, I'm still asking, even in all this mess: God, please don't let my heart change when this battle is all over; let me still be me in the end.