I Wanted To Stay A Child In Your Eyes Poem by Lokman Kaya

​The long bangs falling before her eyes
Very long black eyelashes
With eyes scattering bright hope
To steal light from the morning sun for her face
Leaning against the wall of the dormitory
I wanted to stay a child in your eyes
​Not thinking about his future
Unable to think even about his next day
Especially growing up
Never being able to bring it to his mind
What he knew as unreachable wealth
Which unfortunately even in his dreams
He could not ride even once
Dust on the beaded wheel of the blue bicycle
With a pencil sharpener,1969 model
I missed being a child in the horn of the automobile
​One of the uninvited guests of the table
Stuck into the macaroni
Full of the sounds of spoons
With the water dripping from my school apron
Cisir cisir chirping and keeping the rhythm
Covered with the soot of the stove
In the fountain of the street that cowered
With the shout of the neighborhood's ruffian Halil Çavuş
Feet wet, eyes wet, with his top soaked
I missed being a child in your eyes
​With my sister and brother who remained in my childhood
On the wires that were our toys
The picture of our childhood remained
With spinach and crushed apples and so on
While playing with the shopping cart that became one
The head and trotter soup we knocked to the floor from the stove
Laughing with loud laughter at the person
Whom I don't let breathe in my memories, eating it with appetite
I missed being a child
​Escaping from the ticket collector wagon by wagon
Ankara all day long
From Cebeci to Kayaş
From Kayaş to Sincan
While touring stop by stop
From his mother who wanted to make his skin shine
Which he fed with the smell of the train
By saying my eye burned from the soap
When trying to escape from the basin
Eating the water bowl on his head and crying
I missed being a child in your eyes
​As if for the sake of making love with the snows
With his toes that escaped from his shoe
Still continuing to walk
When he rejected the truck tire out of shame
Freezing in his pants from the frost
The desire to leak from the hem of his pants
Remaining in his throat, looking at his pee
With astonishment
I missed being a child
​For a whole year
Decorating his broken dreams but
The blue-striped
White sneakers which he never thought
Would be stolen during the Eid prayer
Hiding them under his pillow on the eve of Eid
I missed being a child falling into a dreamer's sleep
​Stuck like a nail
To the heart and conscience of man
Giving a violent slap
Saying 'come to your senses now'
At funeral ceremonies
In the tearful trembling voice of the Hodja
And shivering in the freshness of rose water
Forgetting the regret he felt
The mischievous, naughty child
Who misbehaves again, I wanted to stay a child in your eyes
​My mother's fear of being cheated on
And my father's stone-like enthusiasm, Sister Nergis
Decorated with hammer and sickle
On the balcony of the Hacettepe dormitory
The eighteen-year-old youths whose eyes are not yet opened
Pushed to voyeurism in the cold air
Of the street that smells of poverty and soot
Going to the women's bath with Sister Nergis
I missed being a child
​In the cafe full of folk songs where those
Who said goodbye to the longing for freedom
Or those who thought they could say it, were crammed
In the resonance of the saz smelling of leftism
The innocent infant sitting in the love-scented lap
Of the university girl, unaware that she is a pedophile
I missed being a child
​While her hand sweated and melted in my hands
Thinking that kissing was a sin
When I succumbed to my thoughts
Becoming a cloud because of not being able to kiss the one I love
In the regret of my eyes
Whose heart is a pigeon, whose heart is Lake Beyşehir
I missed being a child
​I missed it, I wanted to stay a child
With the meaninglessness of life, with treacherous passions
With the prisoners of money
With those who approach with a smiling mask
Where the good cannot stay long
With this damn world with pink makeup
Not yet met
The heart of Yunus, the heart of Mevlana, an innocent infant
I missed being a child
​And in your eyes
I still wanted to stay a child
On this birthday
Where I became a big man
​I wanted to, but I couldn't stay a child
I never liked being a man
While there was the chance to think that life
Was lived vividly by staying a child
While there was the chance not to know fate or sorrow
​You always used to say 'Be a man like your father, son,
Don't be a donkey, man, you jackal'
I wish you had said to your brother
'Don't be a man, stay a child'
And if I could have stayed a child, if I hadn't grown up
Time would have stood still then, it wouldn't have advanced
​Then I would see neither the bitter face of life
Nor that you died
Then neither my mind would reach the pains
Nor would I cry because you died
If I had stayed a child, my dear sister
Look, I wanted to stay a child in your eyes again
​Lokman Kaya ANKARA 2002