Lose The War - Poem by Eden Cain
The black outside
Reflects my heart
In this lonely, lonely night.
Because life goes forward
And it's gotten better
And I've forgot what it was like
The days I spent wanting to slash my flesh,
Resenting the world for being happier than me.
Those days are over
And my mind has shut all those thoughts out.
But tonight I remembered,
What happened last year.
The bomb, the tears, the fury,
I was stuck within myself
Like a fish inside a bowl.
Completely alone, swimming in my own tears.
Because the feelings I felt
Can't be described by the words.
No matter how hard I try,
The agony coursing through my veins
Can never be explained.
And I'm happy now
I've gotten better.
But lying in my bed tonight,
I remembered one year ago today.
The feeling of every second passing by in pain
Every beat of the clock marked a death of my soul
And sometimes I worry
That I will never be able to regain it back.
Because I try.
Every single god damn day I try to make it better
I try to make it right
But I can't fight off the feeling
That I am permanently scarred
There's a black mark on my soul, on my heart.
From the days one year ago
The unbelievable rage I felt at the world.
I hated everyone and everything for no reason at all
And in that time I said and did horrible things
That will plague me for the rest of my life
That will haunt me for the rest of my life
Because no matter how hard I try
I can't take back those years I spent
Writhing in fury
Under my own black heart.
And each day is a struggle
Because I can't help but wondering
Has the fire in my heart gone out?
And as the tears dropped to my pillow tonight
I grimaced and cried out into the night
Because I remembered the things that have happened.
The hospital, the blood, the tears, and the scars.
Scars I gained, scars I inflicted upon myself and my family.
And I still feel the guilt
Of the things I've done.
And each day
I can't help
But be frightened that one day it will come back
I wish I could say that I'm better now.
I wish I could honestly say that I'm happy.
I wish I could say that my life never feels like it's crumbling before my eyes.
I wish I could say I don't feel guilty.
I wish I could say I'm not ashamed.
But I am ashamed
And I am guilty
And sometimes the world does feel like it's crumbling down.
And I know I have to fight
But sometimes I don't want to fight.
Because tonight, in the darkness
I remembered the pain.
And it scares the shit out of me
That one day I will feel like that again.
Because I'm a fighter
But sometimes, fighters win battles but lose the war.
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