Me And Food Are Not Friends... Poem by Catherine Hendry

I have an odd relationship with FOOD …

'THEY' tell me I can’t live without it
Yet, more times than none, I CAN’T live with it
I have 2 brains … one in my head, the other is in my stomach
IF, I get the urge to eat, but only ONE brain says so
I CAN’T EAT!

IF I do … I get sick … uncontrollable purging
IF the 2 AGREE, I CAN eat … a bit anyway

There have been MANY times, in the last 10+yrs.,
I have gone a month ONLY consuming Dr. Pepper & bullion
I have had machines implanted in my stomach,
Tried 2 times actually but, neither worked … go figure
So BOTH have been removed,
Leaving me scarred for life
Both physically AND mentally
Unable to even look at MYSELF...

I have a “port-a-cath” implanted in my chest,
The one I have now, is my 4th, I have been accessed since 2007
And I have a needle inserted 24/7 365, it gets changed weekly
I infuse meds through it every 4 hrs. … ROUND THE CLOCK
IT SUCKS! But, that isn’t even the worst part …

The pain, the bother, the self-consciousness, the UNsexiness …
The fact, IT GOES WITH NOTHING IN MY WARDBROBE
Looks terrible in pictures and hiding it isn’t easy

I can’t “make plans” or go on dates because of the sheer anxiety
I have horrid panic attacks …
Because of MY insecurities, I admit I’ve lied to MOST EVERYONE
Just so I won’t have to deal, explain, or share …

Truth be told, friends, family, EVERYONE says “it’s no big deal”
BUT, they aren’t the ones who have to suffer or deal either …
The self imposed-embarrassment I can’t control
I’ll bet not many can or will … sadly, I’m NOT alone

IF my numbers are correct, it’s been awhile since I’ve checked
A mere 900,000 people have been PROPERLY diagnosed in the U.S.
MOST of the time, I can’t look at, smell or think about
Let alone hear about or talk about or see FOOD
I can get SO sick simply thinking ANYTHING to do with FOOD!

In June of 2013, my gastro doc says, “you have 6mnths.-1yr. to live” …
I am 44 (and a half) , so OF COURSE I think, 'is he freakin’ kidding me? ! '
SO, that in mind, I donated 38ins. of hair to Locks of Love,
And Joined a gym...
HA! Here I AM … 3mths. from the 1yr. point … ~throwin’ him the 2’s~
Anyway, I have to say … I THINK this was going to be a poem …
BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! !

I think it turned itself into more of a bitch/vent session
WHO KNOWS, maybe someone will read this and think
'WOW, this seems too familiar? ! '
GOD FORBID! !

I have “Idiopathic Gastroparesis” (actually, I have unfortunately progressed into “TDTP - Total Digestive Tract Paralysis” … normal)
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, BIBLE!
It's gross, annoying, painful, bothersome, a burden, ugly …
Unpredictable, has no rhyme or reason, unspecific causes, Incurable, confusing, hard as hell to explain, embarrassing, unbelievably misdiagnosed, IT JUST SUCKS! !

DAMN! I think I will stop there! That’s just TOO many adjectives!