Mixed Thoughts Poem by Dani Miller

Oh god why do I have this sick
Feeling inside of me once again?
The feeling that Im doing something wrong,
The feeling that everything that
Is messing up is my fault?

I know that these smiles aren't real.
And that they only give me small
Amounts of hope.
And I know that when I grin wide
And put my head back and laugh,
I feel selfish and out of place.
I just dont know why though.
How can I be laughing and grinning,
But at the same time having
This horrible feeling inside of me.

A feeling that is so confusing,
I dont even know if its real.
Am I really experiencing it?
Or is it just another lie that
I am trying to believe?

The feeling that the only thing
Keeping me alive...
Is the one thing thats making me
Want to die the most...

I don't want people to see a change...
I don't want people to worry about me.

Only one person has noticed a change...
And he actually cared enough to tell me.
He saw through the smiles and laughs.
He saw through my cracked exterior,
And he cared enough to point out that
The people who hurt me the most...
The ones who cut me the deepest...
Are the ones that I can't stop loving.

And he's made it quite clear that
He isnt one of my 'little church friends',
The ones who would pretend to care.
...he's always going to worry...
No matter how many times I swear
I won't do anything...
No matter how bad this pain gets...
No matter how much longer these smiles
Are deadened and numbed...
I won't do anything...

The longing to be in you're arms...
To feel them around my waist,
To actually hear your whispers in my ear,
Grows stronger and stronger every day.
Sometimes so strong I start shaking.
As if I didn't do enough of that before...

And a single tear would come...
Whenever I think of these things...
That single tear, so lucky to
Have escaped my eyes of which burn
Like a fire getting bigger every day.

That single tear falling onto the covers...
And making me shake uncontrollably...
Which brings me back to having that sick
Feeling inside of me...

The feeling that Im doing something wrong...
The feeling that everything that
Is messing up is my fault...

Written Febuary 2nd 2007