More Poem by Maya Reid

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My life’s all well and fine and good
I mean, I really shouldn’t complain
But sometimes it feels like it’s all just
A game
A game that I’m losing
Because I don’t even care
Sometimes I wonder if any of this is real
This can’t possibly be all there is
I’m searching for something…
More.

I can’t stand to be alone with myself
Sometimes I wish me would just go away
I want to be as far away from myself as possible
Where do I run to break away from me?
I want to escape from the prison of my maze
Because I’m not even enough for me
There has to be a different way to be
I’ve got to get away from here
I need a way out
Out of this rut I got myself stuck in.

I can’t just exist any longer
Day after day, everything the same
The worst day ever simply repeating
And I feel so hollow
Just empty and alone
And I can’t help but think I’ve done something wrong
Like the fault is no one’s
But my own.

And even during the very best times
It still feels like something’s…missing
Like there’s some hole deep within me
I feed it and feed it but it just won’t fill
There’s a piece of myself I just haven’t been able to find
And only emptiness where it should be
This tender nothingness at the very core of me.

I need to find my missing piece.

I’m hungry
I have been for a while
But I can’t figure out just what it is I have a taste for
Can’t think of anything that has the right shape
And every time I try
Something else gets sucked inside
Never to be seen again
And the hole gets deeper.

I’m so hollow.

Some days I sit there
Get lost in the deep darkness inside
And, to tell you the truth,
I just…
I don’t want to be here anymore
There’s gotta be something…else
Out there for me
This is all well and good,
But I want more.

I want…
What do I want?
That’s a damn good question:
What do I want? ! ?

I’m sick of ignoring –
I want my perfect shape!
I want a chance to be happy, too
I don’t want to feel this way anymore
Is there anything in this world that can make me whole?
Make me real or get me out of here –
I can’t do this anymore.

I thought I wanted someone who understood
Someone who could console my screams
But they can’t do it for me –
I need to understand
And I’m still screaming
I can’t play pretend anymore
I need more than good enough and oversized dreams.

They say to leave well enough alone
But I’m running out of time
If the sand runs out I’ll never flip the glass
Even now it’s getting hard to breathe
Why can’t anyone else see that I’m practically
In over my head?

So no more being “okay”
It’s time for the truth
I’m broken
Deal with it
Well, you can try…
I can’t just deal anymore
It’s come down to it or me:
One of the two has to go
And I’m sick of just giving in
Done with just letting it win
Can I take back having given up on myself?
I’m so hollow.

I’ve tasted the world outside
And I want more.

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