My Fight Against Darkness Poem by Samah Khan

Loneliness-it has been like my shadow,
An overgrown weed, meant to be but a midget,
Increasing in size and height until I was overtaken by its unremitting intensity,
Until it subjugated me,
Until it saw me fall within it’s darkness, rolling around, as if blind in its depth;
Loneliness was all I knew before I knew you,
At first, it was a remorseless dictator, from whom I wished sovereignty
And then it turned into a way of life, from which I could not escape
And you did not know me then, while I lived like a hermit,
Alone, but surrounded my namelessness and facelessness;
You did not know me then, as you know me now,
So you do not know the pain that danced in the embers of my once-lit fire-
And then you became the fire that set me aright,
You became the North Star that gave me way;
You became my power, my light
And before you, I had nothing save for this unforgiving silence.

Loneliness-it has been like my comrade,
First the aggravating thorn under my foot,
And then the panacea to whom I turned, permanently,
Until I faced neither north nor east nor south nor west,
But I faced a new direction, where the sun neither rose
(Or perhaps it did, but I cared not)
Nor did the moon glow
(Or perhaps it did, but I cared not)
Where the stars were hidden behind mounds of gray hair
(Or perhaps they didn’t, but I cared not)
Where the sky was a sunken array of nothingness,
Dots and squares fading slowly until my blurred vision
(Blurred due to incessant tears) could not make out what was or what could be,
Could not make out the eclipse from the vivid midday of the summer;
You became my clear vision, my magic potion, my medication,
You became my pleasure, my joy and my woe.
Before you, I knew neither love nor happiness,
But only a melancholy misery that spread over me like a canvas
And I lived removed from your people.

Loneliness-it has returned;
You were like the brief shower on a sizzling day;
A brief sky on a drizzling day;
A brief sun on a winter’s day;
You came, you felt, you left,
You did, you conquered and you fled
Now that you’re gone, I feel the sky rushing over my head
And stars becoming indecipherable resins of oblivion,
Like the remnants of some long forgotten dream;
I feel the sun once again, a foe,
One that rises everyday like a stubble under my shoe,
A reminder that I am still alive, and yet, I cannot feel its warmth;
I see the faded moon, once again, an enemy,
One that appears (rather jaded) changing shapes like a repetitive dance,
Rejoicing callously while my earth falls apart;
And yes, you were that earth;
You were the land to me, the soil, the water that I felt on my lips,
The wind I felt on my fevered brow, the fruit that filled my gut,
The world, universe, eternity.

But now you have left
Left me alone
And I feel no better than a stray animal,
Who, for a while had found a home and care,
But was kicked to the curb when the spell wore off;
You were the magic that held me together,
And now you have become my undoing; the curse that made me fall apart.
Now once against I have no one but darkness to face,
As, directionless, I rove the streets, like a madman,
Uncaring of the treachery around me,
Seeking once again the coveted chivalry of your arms,
My knight, my love, my loss.