Sharfaroz Satani

Rookie (30-11-1989 / Hyderabad)

My Love Story - Poem by Sharfaroz Satani

It was in a TRAIN to home when she struck her first charm
Had entertained numerous crushes before without harm

Bewitching voice she had, would leave my mouth shut tight
Her walk commanding, watching her speak was a delight

Then he happened to get close, bt they were already so
Like all my beginnings, listenin out what he had to blow
Telling of his back talks he wudnt otherwise know
A friendship rooted with trust began to grow

Never before could a girl strike my thoughts while reading
The rare poison plant of love, in my heart, was seeding
All the goodies of her that he told, did more feeding

And yes some friends had their role
In pushing me deeper into the black hole

How easily she could move my heart, i cant explain
I knew even then, that this would all end in vain
Knowing that i love a hindu, my family would go insane
Lose family's faith, his friendship, lose all but her pain

Couldnt get into her, couldnt get to her, couldnt even share
It wasnt their fault, it was all mine, to be true and fair
I began losing my control, couldnt help a helpless stare
I wouldnt and couldnt stop it, even though she didnt care

With my room now far from his, and only lecture hall sights now
My thirst for her voice began to sore, had to get to her somehow

Then on 2 jan 2009, there came an unexpected chance,
All sorts of expectations made my heart dance
My friends made sure we sat by side, but she wont talk
Afraid of comments she wud say, every girl’s escape stock
But she being carefree with random guys gave the first hit
And whatever replies came, didn’t fit her true self a bit
She went away, my helplessness crazing me away
My ticket being torn, the love train wouldn’t stay
The voice I was craving to hear wasn’t lovable anymore
With no leads, confusion, and not much time in store
But finally at the dinner, I dashed to quench my thirst
Thought of clearing the unsettled questions first
So that this may remove her inhibitions away
Followed her everywhere but she wouldn’t stay
Late, but it did get clear that I had messed it up
No chance for repair for the time was nearly up
To cover this with a stable mind one day
Desperately I asked her number away
She ended the encounter with “endukule”

With tears held in my eyes that fought to wait
I made my last call to her via my room-mate
The pain that I felt in talking I cant narrate
She finally co-operated listening to my apologetic voice
This only meant that she was lying sweetly by choice
Told my acts were attempts at getting her in person
To reveal it or not at the moment, I couldn’t reason
Something which in my in my dreams I would rather sing
Telling it now would bring a spontaneous “no” with a sting
She promised of not telling a thing to him
That chance with the liar was already slim

For Next few days I incarnated myself in a devdas role
Now with the knowledge that she told him all the whole
He didn’t come to ask what made me so mad
he always spoke high of the character I had
Just a “why sharfaroz ” and I would’ve told him all
As my best friend he had the right and duty afterall

Even in depression, My mind came with an antidote rumour
To coverup for her leak which may spread like a tumour
Since He didn’t ask my truth, I now didn’t care to lie
My antidote rumour worked and made the shit dry
Though caring for class talks was never my streak
This I did so that she wont hate me for her leak

Caught hold of my books, back on the track
And vowed to never do the stare attack
Would act like she didnt exist, though love her lots,
Would control my actions, though not my thoughts
My mind would still think of her, but i did make it read
My eyes would still crave for her, but i didnt let them feed

Then one fine day an accidental stare met with a reply
Her blushing, checking for my stares, made my heart fly
Why had a change in her response to my stares come by?
Could it mean she had begun feeling the same ways as I?
Or was it being madly loved that gave the glow in her eye?
Concluded on the latter but didnt cease feeling high
Yes, i was making her feel beautiful, every girl's buy
To metamorphose that feel into love, wanted to give it a try

Then another episode of stares followed, this time with an aim
An open attack responded by careful checks, it was a mutual game
Knew that at the end of this, things would never be the same
Planned an abrupt pause to make things worse for her, but too late
Her friends spotted me the day before the pause, bad my fate

He comes to my room and asks me to stop staring
Apparently the talk ran around and the girl was flaring
With loads of buildups he appeared to make only one stance
That he wanted the girl and i didnt stand a chance
I wanted the first and last run into the happenings from my view
To apologise and make him listen what as a friend was his due
But he didn’t want anymore of it n left me in despair
I can never forget me literally sinking in my chair

Thoughts of having her vanished, but memories kept haunting me
Accidental glimpses of them hand in hand, kept daunting me
With a failed love, wronged friendship and loss of self
Unsaid things, broken dreams, left alone in my heart’s shelf

I went about it philosophically, the way most people do
That love just happens, it isnt something we decide to
That it’s something most fall into, a fall lasting for life
Reversed only by a second love or a loving arranged wife
Then I happened to benefit by an unrelated mistake
Which taught me that headache relieves heartache
Yet I didn’t then get its obvious principle to my solution
It took a mad walk to RUIA and a coffee for the relevation
With maths, science n psychiatry my TRAIN reached the station
Maths advised me change of approach for intractable solutions
Science denied the philosophical way of dealing with emotions
Psychiatry taught that love is but an ego complex
Explainable and conquerable, but certainly not a hex

I became more practical n forgetting became easier thence
The first mistake could b corrected by the second and hence
The second was now directed against the first in defence
And With the war won, it later helped in forming a fence

He may have got his love, but i have overcome mine
He united with his love, but I have driven my line
He may rise in love, but i have already risen out of it
He can marry his love, but I don’t have a thought of it
He has won the game, but i have won over the game
He is still smaller than the game, for he binds to its gravity
I am larger than it, for i have repelled it to infinity

'date: 2-12-2011'

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Poem Submitted: Thursday, December 1, 2011

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