No-One To Turn To; All Alone… Poem by Louise Tredoux

This morning I feel overpowered by all
that had happened, last night I even
showered in your flat, I never thought
I would act with so little restraint; the
things I allowed you to do, the things
I did myself; the way the old me simply
disappears when you are here; the way
I abandon my old principles; the feeling
of invincibility when you start kissing me
– this morning I am succumbing to fear;
where did the old me go; I’ve been taught
never to do naught that is forbidden by
religious morality; this feeling of fear –
an indictment of guilt?

I fear the effects of my taking unwonted
freedom, fear being abandoned by you,
ever since my mother’s death, I vowed
never to be bereft by the loss of a loved
one; whether to life or death; and what
power do I have over you? How to deal
with this fear; what to do – what if you
should die – or leave me? Whatever
happens, I shall die, I cannot stand the
thought of losing you; cannot contemplate
my fate should you be untrue; suddenly
intimacy seems to be the wrong thing
to do….

I cannot turn back the clock, should I
have waited until we were married? Will
you ever ask me, will father ever consent?
Should I marry? What if my beloved died?
I feel scared; I’m going to run away and
cry until I pass out; I’m scared and
there’s no-one to turn to; I’m
all alone…