No One Will Ever Know Poem by ally lira

why cant i let go?
i want to so bad
but right when i start to
i get kicked back down
am i not strong enough to go on?
i do so well for so long, then i fall
back into my addictive habits
why is it so hard for me to tell you to go to hell?
am i supposed to go through life stuck in a xanex haze?
not knowing who i am, how to talk, or even how to walk....
all because of what you did to me?
couldnt you have just accepted me without having to take away my innocence?
i cried and cried,
in return you slapped me and whispered soul shattering words in my ear
i remember, i relive it almost every night, still.
you threw me into the street when i was drugged and barely conscious
the words you spoke still echo in in my thoughts
in my dreams i still feel all the blood, my blood, across my body
while you shredded my life and body to pieces
when these memories succomb me
why do i turn to the poisons that once rendured me vulnerable in the first place?
am i actually addicted to the pain?
no one knows, no one will ever know
how you humiliated me, broke me, and haunt me
no one will ever know, how i scream out in pain late at night
how i still have to scrub my body in the shower because i still feel blood.
no one will ever know why my pillows are soaked in tears and sweat
no one will know, but you four plus me.