Open Letter Poem by Evan Johnson Evanthepoet

Open letter
What I felt for this woman was something I've never felt before.

These feelings that I had were so strong and powerful it was indescribable.

I would ask people about what I felt towards her.

Trying to find a way to avoid the inevitable...

They would all give me the same answer,

leaving me no choice,

but to confront exactly what I've been running away from,

which are the three words no man ever wants to hear…

You're in love.

Yes,
I already knew the answer to that question,
as it's not hard to sort out these feelings that I once held.

I was only pretending to be oblivious because just how that question had an obvious answer that answer had an even more obvious outcome.

Heartbreak.

Now I could lie to you…

and say in this instance I thought it through,

did the calculations,

weighed my odds,

and continued to pursue, fully understanding the immense risk of falling for this woman.

But that would be exactly what I referred to it as.

A lie.

Instead, I wholeheartedly doubled down on the power of love,

Thinking if I showed how much I appreciated her for who she truly is... then she would see how much I love her and hopefully develop even a fraction of what I felt toward her.

If you looked through any pair of glasses you would see that this plan worked,

We got together nonstop, had calls that would last hours upon hours, get surprised with gifts from time to time, and to top it off she even said she loved me.

It was paradise...

If you closed your eyes,
took off your glasses,
replaced them with any stronger lense,
you could see the Bright Sun,
was being followed by dark clouds,
the Clear Bluewater was really tinted green,
This was no paradise at all...

It turns out that I was so blinded by my love for this woman,
I was impervious to what was actually taking place.

In this world I dreamt of,
sure we would stay on the phone,
sure gifts were given,
and sure she said she loved me but in reality.

I would be the one pressing call,
I would be the one buying gifts and most importantly,
I would be the one saying…
"I love you"...

Being fully conscious and realizing the now figments of this falsified "relationship."
I guess the smart thing to do would be to accept the fact she doesn't feel the same and move on.

But knowing my history of decision-making, no way you actually thought I would make the smart choice…. NO,

Of course not!

See I completely underestimated both the power of heartbreak and the degree of feelings I had for her.

So while under the influence of a broken heart and an axe to grind I stupidly not only made a bad decision.

But the worst of all.

I stayed.

...I stayed and I pleaded to her that she was the best thing for me practically begging for her love.

Now that I'm ahead of the situation I can confidently say that I have never made more of a bad choice, as it exposes how vulnerable and desperate I was for this woman, It eats me alive knowing as we go our separate ways she now sees me as the pathetic kid who was nearly imploring her to be in my life.

So much so it almost made me want to reconnect with her once again so that we can relive the highs and forget the lows but I couldn't.

It was time...

Although I was highly saddened things didn't work out between us, it was time I finally accepted the reason things ended up the way they did was because of me.

I was the bad guy posing as good.

As I recollect my past thoughts, all I can think is,
If I hadn't misconstrued the things she said.
If I hadn't looked at her as a god amongst peasants, AND
If I hadn't thirsted for her love then none of this would have taken place...

In some ways, I feel like this "relationship" was destined not to materialize as if I needed some type of emotional pain for me to change for the better.

While I take the time to reminisce about this fucked up love story all I want to say to M.E is.

I'M SORRY.