Sucked under
Spat out
And thrown around
Nothing more than a drop in the ocean
With waves crashing over my head
Beaten up by force
Til my eyes are red with tears
Sanctuary becomes war zone
Fighting for life
In vast nothingness
I can still taste the salt in my mouth
Come with me
She says
Draws me in with promises of freedom, unveiled secrets, weightlessness
strength
And I go, a lapse in judgement
A need for freedom overcoming fear
Overcoming rationality
I felt the waves pull harder.
Still I went.
Come closer.
One step more.
Suddenly,
violently,
Pulls me out
Where my feet reach for something solid
And touch only water
Panic.
In the eyes of those near me.
I'm further out than they.
Something's wrong.
With no control
Except my breath
I inhale deep
Before being sucked under completely.
Wave after wave
Crashing upon me
Each one more violent than the last
Beaten up by force
Til my eyes are red with tears
I don't know which way is up
Can't open my eyes, can't move against it, can't breathe
Blind, stupid
To endlessly let myself be taken by the wind
Drawn to any tide that beckons me out
Struggling to find the light
In a place so dark as this
Silence.
Finally
Surfacing recklessly, urgently
against the waves
Just keep your head above the water.
In one instant I see the shore retract
My head dizzy
Swallowing air
Wiping my eyes to see
Instinctive thought:
I need to get back
Why?
My heart wasn't racing
My mind was quiet
I was breathless out of survival
Not fear
Interrupted.
A life board appears next to me.
Don't know if it was the sun in my eyes
Or he had a glowing light around him
'Want a lift? '
'A lift would be nice.'
Three failed attempts to board the boat.
'Lie down' He says
'It's over.'
It felt like three seconds
It was 20 minutes.
A little embarrassed, ashamed and humble
He takes me back
'Don't be embarrassed.'
Thank you. I smile weakly.
What do you say to someone whose just saved your life?
I walk away quickly. Hiding my shame
Shame of what?
Victim of circumstance.
It was deeper than that.
Vulnerability, humiliation, object needing to be saved.
Dazed, I run to familiar ground
Safe, solid, heavy ground.
Is that it?
Is that what I'm living for?
I don't look back at the sea.
I don't cry or laugh.
I hug my aunt and do nothing.
Sit in the sand and watch the ocean for a while.
Stirring something inside me.
That wanted to be carried out with the waves.
That had no desire...
The act of him saving me
From nothingness
From endless pulls of vast blue.
Thrashing endlessly.
What I owe him
What he owes me
For taking me away from the nearness of death.
This life.
It's the desires that keep us holding on.
Hooked ourselves into so many attachments
We forget
That we have nothing.
We are nothing.
There is no control.
Let it take you or do your own thing
But in the end
Once you're out there
Everyone tastes
the salt in their mouth.
This poem has not been translated into any other language yet.
I would like to translate this poem