Sin City Poem by Maria Sudibyo

I long for the day when I believe I'm innocent
Now whose hands that tainted with blood?
I miss the day when I could be a naive
Now whose words that coated with deceiver?
Will it be the guilt I live from this hour?
Will it be the lie I carve from this corner?
Now the hunger won't be satisfied
Now the sin won't be purified
It is the burden everybody should carry on
It is the memory that can't be forgotten
Like the rusted chain that forbid us to run
Like the fake smile we should wear everyday

I want to kill the devil inside of me
But the angel won't return still
I want to tame the beast inside of me
But the flame still burning in my eyes

I curse the day when I'm still forgiving
Now whose heart blinded with hate?
I laugh at the day when I'm full of confidence
Now whose mind corrupted with doubt?
Will it be the disgust I feel from this moment?
Will it be the fear I have from this torment?
Now the darkness delight my soul
Now the prejudice color my world
It is the anger filling the endless war
It is the hope waiting to be shattered
We don't care who's right and who's wrong
Because the winner could do anything to loser

I want to keep my clothes perfect and pristine
But my impatience staining it with shame
I want to be a quiet and peaceful being
But my cowardice always drag me back to hell

How could I deserve a light?
When I don't have any mercy left
How could I endure happiness?
When eternity is my punishment