Sleep. Poem by Malevolent M.c

I lose sleep for thinking to much...
I just can't seem to keep my eyes closed, i'm anxious for something that i dare not say.
Something i'd like, so in response i pray. Pray to whom? I don't know.. i kneel to 'fate' and powers unseen.. things like compatability horoscopes..
It's strange, being somewhere, and becoming used to doing something for so long you lose sight of the day that will be the end of your activities.
I welcome the challenge of change, it's a burden and a gift at the same time.. the only problem i see clearly enough to confront is the problem of how vague life can be sometimes.
I wonder if since i'm inclined to stare at my ceiling till the darkness of night shines blue through my window really makes a difference in the actions of others?
It's kind of like a feeling of.. 'show of devotion'. Sometimes i wish something terrible would happen just to see how'd i'd go about either saving the girl i'd like to save, or die trying.

It is a strange thing to think about i guess, but still my head goes there. I'm searching for actions that would prove myself to people, if i say i'd take a bullet for you, i'd really like to show you that it is not just something i'm saying.. So then if i do perform such a feat, hopefully you'd see something in me deeper than just the surface.
Come to think of it, i think everyone is searching for that secretly, it's like.. a completely selfless selfish act that would gain attention and yet do good for someone else?
Much more true than just selfish attention grabbers.

If i said i'd fight for you, defend you with every last ounce of strength in my body, should it be cut stabbed shot or whatever, if i suceeded, i'd be happy. Because i've done something selfless, but for a selfish reason, that has helped someone in the process.
The defending being the selfless act, the wanting the person i'm defending to like me more because of what i'm doing is the selfish act, and the good would be defending of the person.
So, can selfishness and selflessness co-exist in the same actions? I'd like to think so.. otherwise i may just be living a lie.
Or it may be easier if i was as cunning as the male characters in movies i watch all the time. It's like they know what to say, as if they've knew it was coming.. i understand it's a scripted movie, but the movie still teaches my brain other wise.
I can't even begin to count to the times i've said something, walked away, and then wish i said something else. It happened last night in fact. It's like i've found something that doesn't want to be found. What to do?
Owell, i sew into the unknown with these lines that i've wrote.
I'm just killing time because i can't sleep, writing the things that my mind thinks, if you've actually read this scary block of text, then maybe i've suceeded in killing some of your time too?

Malevolent mc.