The Joys Of A Solitary Date 1938 Poem by Nick John Whittle

It's been a long time since I whipped up a frenzy
Or gave Colonel Thomas a hug,
But back in my youth I couldn't be ceased
From a brazen tight-fisted slug.
I was never too far from a cheeky fruitation
Or a wax and a wash in the loo
And once I was stopped by the local police
While strangling a snake at the zoo.

It's simply a marvellous pastime
Especially when one dreams of one's beau
There's nothing quite like a quick bat in the rain
To clear mind and balls in one go.
I first forayed forth when quite young
With a technique that must be innate,
It took just a breeze to grab hold of my knees
(The sort one may find on a Caye in Belize)
To stir up the rustle of rosy palm leaves
Oh, the joys of the solitary date.

It's simply a marvellous pastime
As a youth I took it to heights anew
I had learnt all the ropes by the seat of my pants
And was expert at the speedy wazoo.
I punched the jester at Hampton Court Palace
Peeled eels at the grand Billingsgate,
Fed ducks on a bench at St. James's Park
And the bishop was flogged at The Clink in Southwark
Before being removed by the Serjeant-at-arms
Oh, the joys of the solitary date.

It was something to occupy one's time I suppose
To be done when one was happy or sad,
Or angry and tense or calm and content
Or a little bit straight or quite bent.
Everyone's done it at some point or other
But nobody really cares when
As long as you don't scare the horses away
Or do it on the steps of Big Ben.

It's simply a marvellous pastime
But marriage heralds time for a change
And there is much to be said for trying new things
Such as a selfie in your wife's summer range.
I once told my favourite bon ami:
"Do not hate my polir le dard,
"For it's medically said to cure and to cleanse."
(And I joked that it made not a ‘vas deferens' to
Our love when seen through the eyes of those friends
Who adored rendez-vous solitaire.)

It's simply a marvellous pastime
But some say it's a bit provocative
That a toss of the dwarf or a tug on the hoof
Will have you crying deep into your sleeve.
But everyone has their own failings
And we each look for ways to deflate,
So push the Dutch button as well as you might
While you stroll in the garden in the midst of the night
Or de-husk the corn in the fresh morning light
And please embrace the solitary date!