When I Began... Poem by bob barci

When I began
I didn’t know what to say.
I’m still not so sure.
All I know
is that I want to put
something down on paper.
True,
I got sidetracked
and did some other things,
but that feeling gnawed at me.
‘If you get the pen and paper
the words will come.’
Those words pounded at me from the inside.
But the words just didn’t fit
what was going on in my head.
There was Jim.
Jim -
the HIV + friend
whose head hit the concrete
after falling down a flight of stairs.
Jim -
who spent two weeks in a coma
before I ever found out that anything had happened.
Thank God he came out of it.
Seeing him in that hospital bed
for the first time hurt.
Hurt to see him hooked up to all those machines.
Hurt to see him tied to the bed
for fear he’d pull out those tubes.
Hurt to realize that he had no memory
of what had happened to him,
where he was, who I was, or even who he was,
and no recognition of his own mother.
Jim -
who’ll never know of how I sat out in the lobby
while the nurses cleaned him,
and quietly cried for him.
Jim must know that I’m a friend
cause the leaps and bounds of recovery
that he’s made in just the few weeks
I’ve been going to see him is remarkable.
Unfortunately,
its just not the same Jim I knew before.
This Jim,
is a kid growing up again.
He’s frustrated, impatient,
and all those wonderful things
kids under 5 years old are.
It’s sad,
but I find myself talking to him as one,
even though he’s my age.
But, at the same time,
I’m smiling and laughing at some of the
things he says and tries to do.
He doesn’t remember my name,
but refers to me as “My buddy”.
Jim,
although he’s not tied to the bed anymore,
he sometimes needs to be restrained.
Good news is that the nurses
let me take him out of bed
and walk him around.
Though he’s not too steady on his feet,
and still wearing the hospital gown,
Jim insists that I walk him out of the hospital
and to a restaurant - one of his choosing.
He insisted that I shave him last week.
I got the okay and did so.
The nurses swooned over him
and Jim was truly embarrassed.
I should show off my picture of him in full beard.
It might be quite some time
before he returns to the Jim I knew before,
but I patiently waiting and giving it time.
Hopefully my once a week visits
act as a type of therapy.
If my visits help along his healing process,
you can be damned sure that I’ll keep coming back
cause I want my Jim back.