Why, Daddy? Poem by DiAnne Douglass

Note: Very long, don't read if you don't like long poems...

The bond between us
Weakens constantly
And the bond that once held
My happy family together
Has long since been severed

And only now am I brave enough
To ask
The questions that have
Been plaguing me all these years

What could I have done differently?
How could I have made him stay?
Was it all my fault?
Did I do something wrong?
Was I bad?

No longer an innocent child
Caught in between
But now a fledgling adult
Instead
Still...
I cannot understand

Was I not 'good enough', Daddy?
I'm eighteen now, I'm an adult
But I still have to ask myself
The same old questions

Why, Daddy?
Tell me why
Please...
How can I change for you?
What can I do before I become
'good enough' in your eyes?
And don't give me the same old line
Of bull you usually give me
About how it's wasn't 'about' me
Because it was, Daddy
You made it about me

You didn't just hurt Mommy
You hurt me too
You destroyed my home
Tore apart my family
And it was you who carelessly
Tossed me aside
It was you, Daddy
Who threw me away

So tell me why
Why you did it, Daddy
Tell me why I wasn't
'good enough' for you anymore
Is it because I was born a girl?
Because I'm not a boy?
Because I wasn't born
the 'perfect son' you always wanted?

I tried to be the best boy I could be, Daddy
I even cut my hair, so I would look the part
And that made Mommy cry
But I tried to be, Daddy
I really did try...

Is it because I'm not blond, like you?
Because I have brown hair?
And I don't have blue eyes?
I could dye my hair, Daddy
If only you would
Love me
I would dye my hair
And even get contacts

I wouldn't mind, Daddy
If only you would
Notice me
Love me
See me

Is it because I'm not white?
Because i was born mixed race?
Is that it, Daddy?
Because I can't change that
Daddy
And I don't want to change that
I love my primos, mi tias y tios
I'm sorry, Daddy

So, why is it Daddy?
Why don't you love me?
Why am I still 'not good enough'?
You love Sissy
Even though I'm your child
Your only child
You still love Sissy more

Even though you used to
Tell me about how she
Wasn't really my 'sister'
Because she wasn't your daughter
But I am, Daddy
I am your daughter
Your one and only child
Me, Daddy
Remember?

Why do you love her so?
Why love Sissy and not me?
When did I stop being 'good enough'?
Is it because I'm not smart enough?
Is that it?
Am I still stupid in your eyes, Daddy?
I'm sorry, Daddy
I'll try harder

You changed, Daddy, you changed
Or maybe you didn't change
And I just never noticed before
How you stopped coming around
How you always seemed to be gone
How I have almost no memories of us
I'm sorry, Daddy
But I really never noticed before
How you always seemed to be missing

If I prove myself to you
Will you see me, Daddy?
Will you stop treating me like an employee?
An acquaintance you barely know
Even after all these years?
Will you stand up for me, Daddy?
Defend me instead of tearing me down?

I know that I'm not worth much money anymore
Daddy
But you'll still love me
Right, Daddy?
Will you stay, Daddy?
Will you stick around for my birthday
This time around?
Will you, Daddy?

Please, Daddy
Please...
Notice me
Love me
See me

Daddy
I'm right here
I'm standing right here, Daddy
Waiting
For you

Love me
Please, Daddy
Notice me
See me
And finally say that now
I am 'good enough'
Please....
Daddy, please...