Some mechanical changes that do not change the intent of the poem.
proposed and corrected by my dear friend C Cruz
So far away from you
Deep in love with you
If you're not my girl
I will try anything, I could
Everything; because, I should
If not, I will look the fool
Since no one lives without soul
That's why I'll call anytime by phone
Trying not to be alone
Too straight to the point you need to put more metaphors for it to taste better
9 outtta 10 my friend tooooooo short, but very straight forward. I'd like to see more similes or metaphors. I LOVE SIMILES
I ll look the fool do you mean... (I ll be like a fool.. or I ll look like a fool) I guess I ll be the fool, or a fool...would sound better 2- no one lives without a soul or his soul.. 3-try to be more oblique I am nt a critic but this is what I think
You're a very good poet. This poem is pretty good. Keep up the good work.
english may not be your first language; but man you're GOOD! keep writing!
Wow, Toufik, this one is very good as well. Very nice, full of feeling. Wonderful!
I think if you improve on your English a little more, your poems will captivate the reader like you intend. Wonderful thoughts here. Well done!
Much better English than the previous one. The feeling I got from reading it, was that it could be a little bit longer. I really liked the theme, but it ends a little too abruptly. Otherwise, it runs very well. Just needs to have more development of the theme, or in simple language, make it a longer. Keep writing :)
This poem has not been translated into any other language yet.
I would like to translate this poem
it is simple and to the point but in my opinion, i thought it could have, should have been longer. it ended too abruptly.i like the way the words blend though.