alisha raj

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Life As It Is

There are so many things that need to be out
but no idea if they are to be out..
some things that bother me
whilst some that make me
things that perhaps have no importance
and some that just cannot be forgotten

one foot in my past while the other in my future
I'm caught between guilt and fear
guilt of what I've done and fear of what will come of it
how then can i live..live today..live in the moment

i know not what I've become
am i as calm from inside as i seem to be on the outside
or is there a rising pandemonium that I'm trying to ignore

perhaps i wear a mask...a mask that helps me camouflage
i smile when they smile
cry when they cry
oblivious to I
as if I don't survive

Who am I? Do I exist...exist emotionally and mentally as I exist physically

Survival i am told is a constant fight
but if I was to fight constantly, every second of my life with myself and them n then be called a rebel and not a survivor then why would i want to live this life that gives me no joy.

life is unknown and unknown it will be
but if only someone could answer the unknown

life makes you, breaks you, repairs you and heals you but scars remain and that it forgets to erase..
with remnants of the past and the now-ness of today how do i step in to the future and continue this journey....fresh and new.

my scars are so many...old and new.. so many that i don't know how many
it doesn't hurt anymore.. and that is what scares me.. it scares me not to feel the pain.. Where is I? .. let me go... go to the place where I has gone...

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