Doug Ordunio

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Thoughts Of A Kamikaze

when imperial court asked me
raised both hands
did not want to die a coward

our commander
closed eyes
delayed answer
ten eternal seconds
before he answered
yes—he would lead us

the manual plain
When you eliminate all thoughts about life/death
you will be able to totally disregard your earthly life

the training brutal
hit in face so many times
family would not know me
began to fear daily clubbing

supposed to scream “Hissatsu! ” (”Sink without fail”)
at the end

chosen day
awakened early
nervous ready
simple breakfast
hot tea
during preparation
vomited

looked final time
picture of yuki before fuji-san
beautiful skin color of snow

A flood of her returns

do not have the proper knives
seppuku not an option

climb to cockpit
comrades silent
they prepare
tears threaten me

taxi to runway
the signal is made
move to full throttle
gentle push into seat
wheels rise from ground
toward heaven
reach proper altitude
embrace clouds

fifteen minutes left
quiet now
just engine hum
focus
rehearse again and again
contents of my dreams

i played koto
as a child
beauty of the ivory bridges
suspended the strings

where is the justice
in this senseless waste?
Must Kagu-tsuchi be appeased?
His birth burned his mother
Will his fire be quenched by death?

target in sight
small dot over blueness

plane urged into steep dive
slowly at first
the engine begins its whine
pitch rises
fuselage shudders
wonder if they have realized
my dropp out of sky

What have i become?
Where am i going?
turned into a one-way person
rush to meet destiny

the film going faster
can see men firing anti-aircraft guns
elude their attempts
seconds remain
bitter taste in my mouth
Feel Divine Wind on my tongue

Okaa-san, Okaa-san…Mommy!

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