When Grandmamma fell off the boat,
And couldn’t swim, and wouldn’t float,
Maria just sat by and smiled -
'There's been an accident!' they said,
'Your servant's cut in half; he's dead.'
'Indeed!' said Mr Jones, 'and please
Weep not for little Leonie,
Abducted by a French Marquis!
Though loss of honour was a wrench,
Just think how it's improved her French.
That morning, when my wife eloped
With James, our chauffeur, how I moped!
What tragedies in life there are!
I'm dashed if I can start the car.
Unscrupulous pigmongers will
Attempt to wheedle and to coax
To these few words, it seems to me,
A wealth of sound instruction clings;
O Learn to Take things easily --
Espeshly Other People's Things;
When Baby's cries grew hard to bear
I popped him in the Frigidaire.
I never would have done so if
I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff.
I never understood, I own,
What anybody (with a soul)
Could mean by offering a Stone
This needless warning not to Roll;
Uncle, whose inventive brains
kept evolving aeroplanes,
fell from an enormous height
upon my garden lawn last night.
Though many men have made their mark
By rising daily with the lark,
'Tis not a plan I recommend ;
The practice no one can defend.