Samantha Myers

Rookie (Washington)

3 Months - Poem by Samantha Myers

12 weeks is a long time,
But not nearly long enough.

The first thing I noticed about Him,
Were His sparkling blue eyes.
The certainty, the one thing I knew:
You would have those intoxicating eyes of Blue.

I bite my lip
I suppress tears I don’t understand.
What if?
The Lady’s voice is kind
I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
What will He say?
As she tells me
Will He even speak to me?
What she is doing
Will He freak out?
The Lady’s gloved hands are gentle
Will He be angry?
Will He want…
And soft too
Will He even Love his secret child?
She seems surprised
I open my eyes slowly
She speaks with a smile in voice
'There’s your baby'
Your body formed,
Though your eyes could not yet see.
So little I knew,
Questions without answers
Dilemmas unseen
Problems yet to be solved
In that moment, I knew it didn’t matter what He said, if He said anything, if He freaked out or got angry or if He even wanted you. In that moment I knew that a Father’s Love was important but you were made from Love, and that’s all that mattered.
I smiled genuinely.
I felt a love I’ve never felt before,
A love that only a mother could know.
A love that only grows.
I felt admiration
As I looked the miracle
Love formed.
I smiled even more
Your body so still,
So small
My eyes wide
Concern furled the Lady Doctor’s brow
My mind alive
Boy or Girl?
Love said Girl. Logic hoped girl. Love said Girl.
Memories of June filled my head briefly, all the talks with Him, of Him reassuring me, telling me I’d be a great mother and wife. How I trust what He says.
My heart jumped
As I stared at you,
Your body formed,
Though your eyes could not yet see.
…Samantha… said in barely a whisper
My eyes met Hers
An expression of sorrow covered Her face
Fear sparked through my heart
My smile faded
'I’m so sorry'
I inhaled deeply
'There’s no movement…'
My face blank, I said nothing
'There’s no heartbeat…'
I looked at the still body
The obvious body of a baby
A baby beginning 2nd trimester
My baby.
So tiny.
So still.
My baby.
I’ll never forget.
I looked away.

I don’t think I ever cried as much as I did there and on the way home and in my bedroom and as I went to sleep that night.

He never got to see you but,
When He held me in His arms,
When His arms were wrapped around my waist,
He was holding His baby
In a comforting embrace.

You would have had
His intoxicating blue eyes.

12 Weeks is a long time
But not nearly long enough.

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Poem Submitted: Monday, August 23, 2010

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