A Future To Be Proud Of Poem by Onuchika El

The walls are closing in on me, refusing to let me feel at ease
The air is getting stubborn, refusing to enter my lungs
My vision is getting blurry, refusing to let me properly see
My chest is rising higher, refusing to let me breathe
Another panic attack, I see

Another beautiful curse bestowed upon me
But the world will continue to move

Even when a salty river is flowing out of my eyes
Or when my chest is heavier than normal
The world does not care and will continue to move
I wonder if my future will be as draining as my present
Either way, the world will continue to move

I feel lost and alone in this big, big world
With nothing to claim as my own
And no place to call my home
It leaves a hollow and endless pit in my heart
And this hole isn't even the worst part

I feel like I'm viewing my life from the passenger seat,
Helplessly watching my life as it crumbles before my eyes
I feel like I'm drowning in a depressed and angry river
With only a small bit of hope keeping me afloat
I feel like a lonely star in the black of night, unseen and invisible
Even though I'm surrounded by people

These people claim they love me
But they only look at the surface
They complement me all the live long day
But hide in the shadows to curse me
And pray my life ends up in the trenches

These people are the ones who force me to isolate myself
They are the ones who force me to believe that everyone is the same;
Cruel and Two-faced
I isolate myself from them to save myself from the pain
The pain of heartbreak and betrayal
And yet I still feel it anyway

This feeling makes me hide my true self
Locking it in a cement cage, never to be seen again
Creating a new one that makes me feel more accepted
Less of an outcast
These people make me ignore my emotions in order to tend to theirs
I no longer know which emotions are real or not

Even though I find myself feeling emotionless, I still feel drained and empty
Like I'm mindlessly floating along with the earth
Moving with it
But breathing isn't living
And I still find myself struggling to do that

The tiredness I feel reflects on the dark circles taking rest below my eyes
My shaky hands are restless and love to act up at the worst times
My mind triggers a sadness even at the smallest comments on my insecurities
My cheekbones are tired and weary from the countless times I've forced them to rise
But, of course, the people that surround me never notice

Another beautiful curse bestowed upon me
But the world will continue to move

And I do, in fact, know why
For I am nothing but a spec in this vast universe
Nothing but a replaceable side character in everyone else's lives
Nothing but another mediocre individual
Nothing but a failed experiment
Nothing special

And yet, even after all these revelations
I feel as though I must become ‘the first'
I feel as though there is something waiting for me in my future
I feel as though I owe it to myself to keep going

But do I?
Do I really owe it to myself to keep going?
To keep putting myself through this constant mental war?
Is there really something in my future that will make this all worth it?

These questions raid my mind
Creating a raging war between me and myself
Keeping me awake in the latest hours of the night

Another beautiful curse bestowed upon me
But the world will continue to move

And as the world continues to move
I will continue to search for a solution to end my pain
This solution hides itself in the deep depths of a dark forest
Which is guarded by the voices in my head, my fear and my insecurities
I may never find it

But who knows?
Maybe I'll find a way to overcome my fears
Maybe I'll find a shoulder to lean on
Maybe I'll find that sacred solution
Maybe in my future, but definitely not in my present

They say God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers
But who told him I was strong?
When did I become strong enough to face these battles?
I am tired of these battles!
When will these battles stop?

I hope they stop soon
I hope I will be able to silence the pessimistic voices in my head
I hope I'll be able to face the demons who want me dead
I hope I'll be strong enough to heal my wounds
So that I can be an inspiration to those who need help to

Maybe then I'll take pride in saying my name
Maybe then I'll truly obtain a future to be proud of
But then again, this is just a fantasy
One that people like me may never get to live

Yet another beautiful curse bestowed upon me
But the world will continue to move.