Airplane Blues Poem by Ryan Brodesser

Do not kick my seat

Scream out, or plug up the lane

or so help me lord, I will use my feet

to kick you out the plane


I will plug up your mouth with cotton

I have traveled all day and I am drained

So I care not why your children spoiled rotten

if they keep screaming, I will need to be restrained


I don’t care why you want this seat

To get a good view

I don’t care the food is unappealing to eat

I don’t care if your wife is a shrew


Please oh please you little pest

leave me the hell alone

All I want is some rest

While we struggle through this turbulence zone


No, I don’t want to watch the dumb show

Or buy some peanuts except maybe to poison some rats

my stomach is already going through enough woe

and my bowels are gurgling vats


My soda tastes kind of strange

my food is tasteless and bland

I think my seatmate has mange

I gotta get out, when is this thing gonna land?


Oh thank god, we’re landing. My tortures finally through

That trip was terrible, and the landing was way too rough

At leasts it over, the fresh air can stop my faces green hue

I can go home and wait.. Whatta ya mean you lost my stuff!