Almost And Always. Poem by Kiran Kakade

Almost and always, almost and always, almost and always…

Almost - adverb, meaning very nearly there
Always - also adverb, meaning forever
Almost - has been but may not be
Always - at all times
Almost - presque vu
Always - ad infinitum et ultra
Almost - we are reaching but we may fail to reach
Always - even if all else fails

Almost and Always.

These two words are not words to me anymore, built by letters or by the bouncing of my tongue against the roof of my mouth that is my palette,
Instead, they are two doors built by time bouncing against the roof of life that is death.

Almost and Always-
Two doors leading to two adjacent, adjoining rooms,
Almost and Always,
And I the wall between them.

—————

Almost OR Always - you should've chosen one.

Any one. Just one that would not change, one that you'd be sure of.
Then I would build the other half of my world in the room that would remain.
Cause half the person I am today is because of you.
You were half of my world.

—————

But NO. You did not choose.
And now, I must rebuild my world from the scratch.
You did not choose.
And now, I am stuck in limbo within this concrete wall. Stuck between the razor-sharp edges of its bricks digging into my flesh, slowly slaughtering me, ravishing my blood with each cut.
Similar to how at 02: 45am last night, my fingernails were engraving a new pathway through the labyrinth of my skin.
The geographic contours of the labyrinth having been created through the past numerous 02: 45ams I have spent sleepless, with burning lungs, in hope of finding my way to that metaphorical cheese waiting at the end of that metaphorical maze.

If only I can reach it!
It will make everything seem alright.

—————

This wall that has swallowed me whole, its bricks have marked the end of my childhood, and mark the beginning of what those strangers collectively call ‘a lifetime ahead'.

And you are not here.
You are not standing inside the Almost. You are not within this wall with me.
You are not standing inside the Always.

YOU. ARE. NOT. HERE.

Here, when and where I need you the most.
Here, when you should have been here.

—————

Why do you not understand?

I cannot go back to the Almost. That room is in ruins. The paint has peeled off its walls and the walls are peeling off themselves.

If I do go, that ceiling will crack and crumble due to the weight of my grief. It will break down and the rubble will bury me under the ground.

Maybe it'll be alright if I lie there buried under the ground.

But there is no way that will lead me back to the start.
I cannot go back.
I don't know how to.

—————

I cannot move forward either, without you by my side.
Forward to the Always that could've been.
I cannot even move an inch.

Cause if I do, the wall that I'm holding together right now, the bricks, with my palms and my shoulders, my neck, my head, my backbone, my feet, and weighing the heaviest on my heart, these bricks, they'll fall apart.

And that room, our childhood?
It will be lost behind me, on the other side of the boulder created by the fallen debris, closed off forever.
There'll be no glancing back for me. I'll never be able to go back.

—————

Go back to the time when you had said you'd always be there.

Goddamnit! You promised me!
You promised me that you'd always be there.

Don't tell me now that you tried.
Don't tell me now that you were ‘almost there' to being ‘always there'.
Cause Almost is not good enough.
Cause Almost will never, just never be good enough.

—————

…So just so you know, the promise you made stands unbroken still,
You will always be there…
You will always be there in my heart.