Ballad Of The Vegan Extremist Poem by Mary Champion

I was raised an omnivore,
but sometime in my teens,
decided eating flesh was wrong,
so turned to rice and beans

and pasta, brussels sprouts and kale,
confined myself to plants
and made my protest ‘gainst the sale
of meat at ev'ry chance.

For many years I lived like this,
felt virtuous and good,
then noticed something was amiss
with other people's food.

My fam'ly, neighbours, and my friends
were carnivores at heart.
I told them they should make amends -
turn veggie for a start.

Then, slowly as my nagging grew,
I watched them change their ways,
they all became strict vegans too
and thus they earned my praise.

From here, the bit between my teeth,
my faith grew deep and strong,
I propagated my belief
that eating meat is wrong.

At last, I won the heart and mind
of everyone on earth -
made them see they must be kind -
all animals have worth.

You'd think I might have rested then
and seen my duty done,
no human would eat meat again -
my battle surely won.

But cats and dogs along my street,
of whom I was quite fond,
liked nothing more than eating meat.
I had to go beyond.

Carnivores of every type,
with two legs or with four,
must be subjected to the hype -
they must eat meat no more.

The cats and dogs were easy prey,
their owners understood.
Vegan petfood saved the day
and everything looked good.

But dogs and cats eat mice and rats,
I could not make them see -
that in domestic habitats
strict vegans they must be.

We fitted muzzles to the dogs
and bells to feline pets.
Now birds would hear these greedy mogs
and fly like feathered jets.

Then I surveyed the wider world
and saw, with sinking heart,
I'd many battles yet to fight -
the pets were just a start.

Out in the wild - the wolf, the fox,
the lion and the shark,
wolves, hyenas, owls and hawks
all left their bloody mark.

I boldly went where few would dare
to Serengeti's plain.
I lectured lions in their lair,
I tried hard to explain.

But lions could not be reformed
by anything I said.
They had no wish to be informed
and one bit off my head.