Beauty Around The Beasts Poem by daniel wentz

a valiant effort at rhyming and a love poem. some may love it, or say so. i tend to be picky, AND i tend to try to HELP with suggestions, if i feel there are some to be made. you may, of course, delete my comment if you don't like it here. i plan to copy and paste it into a message to you also. I DO THINK IT IS A NICE LOVE POEM. it is just that i can't enjoy it much when i see what i consider problems in construction and feel the need to point them out to you and others. here are some 'suggestions' and 'comments', interjected. Beauty Around The Beasts [[a catchy title]] the glint in your smile [[reflection off of teeth or lip gloss or licked-lips? ]] will have me speeding for miles [[will have me speeding a mile OR....me winning the mile ETC..... this gives smile/mile, rather than smile/mileS, which at least i enjoy better]] the twinkle in your eye [[caused by 'you'? ? ]] will take me on a high rise [[will take me on a rise, HIGH.......gives you eye/high instead of eye/rise AND emphasizes high]] [[switch the order of the next three lines and STILL you will have the nice rhyme contemplating /hating; it will just be separated by one line, but it helps to include the motivation-line i think]] [[oh yeah. YOU'RE is the contraction for you are; i suggest using it, instead of the INcorrect your, which indicates possession/ownership]] your my motivation no need for contemplating so disregard all them people hating [[no need for contemplating you're [[OR you are]] my motivation so disregard all them people hating ...................[[i know lots of people would say them, but an english teacher may tell you Use those (or the) young man! ]] your [[you're]] beautiful in my line of [[i think it would sound better and make more sense to take out my line of]]sight no need for fright [[how about you've no need for fright? ....it makes the rhyming lines more equal in length and clarifies WHO has no need for fright]] [[AND add, and at the end of the line to lengthen it and tie it in better with the last line? ]] you will [[perhaps use the contraction here, you'll, to tighten up the line? ]] never see a lonely night [[so, IF YOU TAKE MY SUGGESTIONS, the poem would read: the glint in your smile will have me winning the mile. the twinkle in your eye will take me on a rise, HIGH no need for contemplating you're my motivation so disregard all them people hating you're beautiful in my sight you've no need for fright, and you'll never see a lonely night if it were my poem, which i KNOW it is NOT, i would capitalize each sentence's first letter [[or capitalize first letter of each line (most poets seem to do that; i usually don't, unless each line is a new sentence) ]] AND use punctuation. BUT this is not an essay site and poets get some leeway....poetic license. i don't capitalize a lot in emails or in my PH comments or messages 'cause i'm lazy and it is not going to be graded by my 10th grade english teacher! i would also break the poem into three stanzas with four lines, then three lines, and, lastly, three lines. thanks for sharing. :) bri