So this is what I plan to do,
Sit here and let my feelings pour out.
Pour onto the page one by one,
Untill I cannot find a place to write.
And that is just what I can't stop doing,
I try so hard to write but my feelings
Are in the way and my thoughts are having
Their nightly meal on my insides.
Have you ever believed a lie?
I don't mean the lie that he did this
Or that she did that.
Or that they said we said she cheated on
Him with her on Tuesday.
I mean a lie of a feeling.
A feeling that you want so bad,
You act out that feeling until its reality.
Have you ever done that?
I can keep smiling and laugh with everyone,
Make jokes and tell everyone
That I couldn't be happier if I tried.
Which actually is true,
Because in that moment I am trying
So hard to be happy.
Although I know now that I can't
Become accustomed to to something
By continuing to do it.
I tried that with happiness...
I told myself I was happy
I told myself I wasn't depressed.
And I still know I am not depressed,
I just have problems in my life.
Problems that I keep ignoring,
Hoping that they will just go away,
Or hoping that I will forget about them.
And I'm not writing this for you,
I am writing this for me to let everyone know
That I have been a liar.
I can smile at you and make you believe
I am 'the happiest girl on the earth'.
Though every morning when I wake up,
I think to myself
'Oh great One above, please take me home.'
I know I will be leaving alot of people behind here,
And it wont break that many hearts
If I do happen to go anyhow.
Although I'm not going to be the one
To take myself home.
Only one person not of this earth
Can do that, and He hasn't done it at all.
And on the inside a feeling of things un-explainable
Is clawing and digging at the inner-most layer of my heart
Almost to the core.
The only thing that is keeping that
From breaking the barrier is my world.
A world that I love and cherish.
A world that I would die for if ever destroyed.
That world is the one thing that makes me happy.
Can I tell you of a time before that world
When I was happy? No. I cannot.
I had to tell you what was really going on,
I had to let you know who I was.
Usually I am someone who complains,
I complain about everything to everyone.
But I havent really done that lately...
Ive been helping other people with problems
The best that I know how.
For those of you that listen,
Thank you for putting up with me and thank you
For helping me the best way you can.
Only one person has actually been the most
Help to me, and you have no idea how greatful
I am for that.
Once again, I'm sorry that I wasted your time.
And I am sorry that I havent been myself.
But what I am most sorry about,
Is that I failed to believe the lie.
Written November 23rd,2007