Jodie Louise Pollock

Rookie (22.04.93 / Sunderland)

Blame Myself.. - Poem by Jodie Louise Pollock

I wish I could blame you for the pain I feel smouldering my chest,
I wish I could blame you for that, and all the rest,
But, unfortunately, I have no one to blame but myself,
I allowed myself to hope; a hope with a brand new depth,
I wish I’d never started this confusing set of words,
I wish my life and myself weren’t cut into thirds,
Quarters.. Fifths.. Sixths.. Sevenths.. Eighths.. Ninths.. and tenths,
I wish the world, my people, and I just made sense,
My people sometimes don’t even realise,
They look at my face but cannot read my eyes,
Many people believe the eyes cannot keep secrets,
How can that be true? If they cannot see my regrets,
My face is numb; it no longer holds an expression,
My eyes however, hold all of my pain and depression,
I sometimes wish people would notice one day,
The reason for this wish, I don’t know what to say,
If someone seen my pain they might maybe understand,
If they just look into my eyes, maybe take my hand,
Maybe my mouth will open, and my tears will fall,
Maybe my insides will crumble, and they’ll see behind my firm, brick wall,
Maybe they would ask questions they’ve never known to ask,
Maybe they’ll worry about me, about my unforgettable past,
Maybe they’ll try and blame you the way I wish to,
For they all knew how much I trusted and loved you,
What they knew and I didn’t, was what you were like underneath,
They were all aware of what lay under your mask, what was truly beneath,
They knew it, but they did not give me warning,
And so for losing you I am stuck with this mourning,
I will not blame my people though,
I will not blame them for my pain and sorrow,
Neither will I blame you my lost loved one,
Because for once in my life I felt special and had fun,
You made me laugh and you gave me love,
I really believed you were my saviour sent from above,
But I soon realised that this is not true,
You were just another knife to help hurt me too,
Because of hope, your knife cut deep and strong,
Each gash on my skin feeling a mile long,
The pain as you sliced and smiled,
Was unforgettable, unforgivable, uncontrollable, and completely wild,
I felt the pain, yet still kept on loving you,
I was in on the secret now; everything is what I knew,
My people didn’t need to tell me, I learnt while I observed,
I still hoped though, so this pain I feel is just what I deserved,
So no. I will not blame you or your pretences,
I will blame myself for losing my, usually controlled, senses,
No. I will not blame my people for not warning me,
I will blame myself, then drown in my never ending, pain filled sea.

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Poem Submitted: Friday, April 23, 2010

Poem Edited: Friday, April 23, 2010

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