Bombs Poem by Jeremy Williams


Rating: 5.0

For the first time in my life
My body stopped due to shock
When I heard about the bombs
My heart didn't want to tick tock
All I could really think about
Was all of my close friends
Who I could have lost
All the things I'd never said
To those who make me happy
Luckily for us we have another day
To say those things we need to say
But it could all too easily
Have gone the other way

Floy Devlin 20 July 2005

That vas sveet. Talking about your friends. But the 'Tick Tock' thing.... I didn'; t really like. It made the poem sound... childish. But I still like it. Mit Liebe, Floy

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Jeremy, I somewhat agree with Raynette. BUT that 'tick-tock, ' that auditory image is the right direction for you to go. Maybe its a little too casual or nursery -rhymish but my body can feel it. Admirable sentiments dont make a good poem. Fresh langauage, startling images, they do. The music and vividness of the words pull us in. Below are some poets for you to read. Were influenced by everything around us so why not choose the best influences? These poets wont hurt the 'originality' of your 'voice.' They will open you to new ways to create. Tony Hoagland, Philip Levine, Stephen Dunn, Mary Ruefle, Dean Young, Louise Gluck, all Americans because Im not very familiar with UK poets. Good luck. P-Snob

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Raynette Eitel 18 July 2005

It is a cruel day when we first encounter our own vulnerability. Your words 'tick tock' sound much too casual for so serious a poem...and I have a feeling you wanted to give the illusion of a bomb ticking. It didn't work for me. I think the line 'all the things I could have said to those who make me happy' needs reworking. Perhaps just 'all the things I could have said... The last two lines seem a weak ending for such an important theme. Think about it. Raynette

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