Bombs Poem by Jeremy Williams

That vas sveet. Talking about your friends. But the 'Tick Tock' thing.... I didn'; t really like. It made the poem sound... childish. But I still like it. Mit Liebe, Floy

Jeremy, I somewhat agree with Raynette. BUT that 'tick-tock, ' that auditory image is the right direction for you to go. Maybe its a little too casual or nursery -rhymish but my body can feel it. Admirable sentiments dont make a good poem. Fresh langauage, startling images, they do. The music and vividness of the words pull us in. Below are some poets for you to read. Were influenced by everything around us so why not choose the best influences? These poets wont hurt the 'originality' of your 'voice.' They will open you to new ways to create. Tony Hoagland, Philip Levine, Stephen Dunn, Mary Ruefle, Dean Young, Louise Gluck, all Americans because Im not very familiar with UK poets. Good luck. P-Snob

It is a cruel day when we first encounter our own vulnerability. Your words 'tick tock' sound much too casual for so serious a poem...and I have a feeling you wanted to give the illusion of a bomb ticking. It didn't work for me. I think the line 'all the things I could have said to those who make me happy' needs reworking. Perhaps just 'all the things I could have said... The last two lines seem a weak ending for such an important theme. Think about it. Raynette