But Poem by Kaitlyn Lancaster

I look at her,
Stress written on her face,
To me, she is perfectly beautiful
But,
But she already knows my opinion.
Just as I know all she sees herself as a failure.
I can't help but feel we are perfect for each other,
But,
But once again
I remind myself to respect her boundaries.

‘I see you like a sister' She tells me,
‘Maybe this will change' She reassures me,
So,
I stay,
Waiting.

I see her and my face has a knee-jerk reaction to smile,
Just smile.
In simple actions, I give my love to her,
Just without showing it,
Because she doesn't love me
And I respect that.

Today,
Today it felt different.
I saw her,
again,
Stress running riots on her face.
She has isolated herself,
The conversation proving too much.
Removing myself from my friends,
I go over to her.
"Alright? " I ask, worry hitting my gut,
"Yeah, " She sighs clearly not.
"Yeah right, " I reply as I hug her from the side.
"Haha, gay! " Another friend says.
"So, " I replied grumpily, a fake smile directed at them.
But,
But I feel hurt.
She carefully finds my hand,
The hand belonging to me,
The one that is hidden under her elbow,
She starts gently rubbing my fingers,
Her way of grounding herself,
I presume.

I smile again,
enjoying this contact,
I start to question it,
still enjoying the feeling.

I suddenly pull away to talk,
As to not hurt her ears.
I swear I felt something from her,
Disappointment?
But,
But I brush it off.
Now finished with the conversation,
I return to my position,
Find her fingers,
And this time stand there for a minute or so,
In complete silence,
Smiling.
But,
But then it's lesson time,
And once again,
I have pulled apart from her.
"See ya, " I say,
Sadness already setting in.
Walking over to the friend that called me gay,
I get their attention,
Asking them to keep an eye on her.
They look confused,
But they nod.
I walk away,
Worry swirling in my gut,
Her face filling my mind
But I have to cut it off.
She isn't mine
And I respect that.
But,
But,
But I so wish she was.