Contemplation Poem by nadia abduljabbar

While she was meditating
The issue again and again,
I asked her what you want
To say to him say it to me
To get the suppressed pain
From thy system:
She said I want him to choose
After he knows and before I
Get attached more than this,
You see heart break is not
Good for me after what
I had passed through,
If he withdraws now,
I will not blame him,
I will only blame myself.

I said just say it, say
What aches thy heart
To the extent you prepare
Thyself for his withdrawal,
With all this beautiful
Feeling between both of you,
She said:
I do not know he was told
Or not that I have passed
Through an early cancer
Experience and God saved
Me with a miracle
From it; it was an evil spell,
One of many thrown at me,
And God saved from all,
And here I am living happily.

In Arabia, people treat diseases
As if they were crimes;
They hide it from every body,
I did not hide anything,
And less beautiful women
Visited me, in the hospital,
Happily, as if they were saying
Let’s rejoice: the beautiful
Woman is dying;
And the threat of competing
With her will disappear,
And I react by telling jokes
To ensure them that destiny
Is in God’s hands and I
Will die when my time
Comes not because of illness.

Even a jealous sister
Did not visit me; out of guilt,
Happiness or release of fear,
I never knew, All I know she kept
On telling me stories how
People die from what I
Passed through. This happened
And I had to shut them up
By a confrontation. That they
Cannot kill me by fear, for God
Created a fearless soul in me,

She continued:
Even when I lost my hair,
After chemo therapy,
They said you became prettier
Than before, and no one could
Feel what I felt except Almighty
Who was all the time with me.

My horror from injection made
A friend stay with me,
Everybody vomits from those
Injection except me, for I had
‘Al roqiah’ in my ears;
Those verses from Qur’an
Ensured me how God
Do not forget people
Who insist not to go
Astray.

She said: you see beauty
Of the heart surpasses
Physical beauty,
This kind of beauty is partly
Given partly accomplished,
God give many people
Different kind of beauty,
But they lose it because,

They pollute their beauty
With dirty deeds,
So it reflects on their faces
Bodies and they become
Beautiful no more.

My breast was almost not touched,
For the lump was in the tale,
So said my doctor,
And I thanked Him
Up there; He is so tender
Even in difficult Tests,
He did not want to
Hurt my pride,
May be because I never
Hurt people even when angry,
I confront: I tell them directly,
I never use round about ways.

She stopped and I looked
At the face that was washed
With tears.
She said do not worry, I will be
Fine soon even if he chooses
The other way,
At least I did not play tricks
Even when I need love
So much;
You see dignity is far more
Important than love,

Oh certainly dignity is far
More important than love.

Jeddah,
13 April 2013.