Day Four (12/26/10) Poem by Melissa Mary

There is no such thing as free will.
Not with you, at least.
You force me to slowly kill myself.
I'm killing you, the same way you're killing me.

I am taking your force and diminishing it
When I take your furious hits.
Those bright red ones that burn so deep
I don't even wince.

Right now I don't see the consequences
But I know that they are there.
The longer I stay, the harder to leave
But do I really care?

If I didn't want you, why did I start you?
I knew the risk I was running.
I thought I wanted to die right away.
I didn't see the life I was drawing.

I can't be away from you for too long,
I can't let anyone know about you.
I can't take you around my own son...
There are so many things I can't do.

It's all because of you.

And still I can't leave you, why?
You are terrible in every way imaginable
I am not the only one you ruin.
Is leaving you even possible?

Yes.

It's been four days without you.
For the first time in years
I never even went one day
My mind has been so clear.

It's so hard to quit you.
But I refuse to ever choke.
I do not need a crutch anymore.
I DO NOT NEED TO SMOKE.