Deep Dark Hole Is Still Growing. Poem by chantel weston

oh lord i dont know!
i dont know how to carry on!
my heart is ripping and i am slipping,
down to far in to that deep dark hole
i see no light i feel no heat.

mom,
im sorry for hating you so much
i knew you were sick
but just could not understand
why you would want to cause me so much pain
i could not trust you when i needed you the most
and now im sceard that i may not get to tell you in person
that i am sorry that i ever told you that i hated you.
i was hurt that you didnt seem to love me
hurt that you left me
you know i was supposed to go to prom?
you werent there to help me,
and i hated it.
i hated my self for not telling you why it hurt me.

daddy!
oh daddy im so so sorry!
i wanted so badly to make you proud to make you happy.
but it seems that with this there is no hope of that
no matter how i try...daddy im so sorry, if only
you could see the tears
running down my face as i think about how much
this is going to hurt you
about how ashamed your going to be of me.
i love you! you know that i love you and that i loved to spend time with you, rock climbing, and hiking.
we would laugh and talk
and you would tell me that i was doing a good job,
that was all i ever wanted. im so so sorry daddy.

sissy,
you know we never got along even now i have trouble
thinking of something sweet to write.
but you know that i love you
and that i tried to do what i could to make your life better...im so sorry...

hug-a-wa,
my big brother, my hug monster
im so sorry to do this
im sorry that i ever told you that you were going no where in your life
because now look at me,
i cant seem to make anything work
and i seem to have given up on the only thing that ever really mattered.
you make me proud you show me how to stand.
thank you for being my crazy older brother. i love you hug-a-wa! !

now lord forgive me
my soul is sorta empty
i have nothing left to give
my heart is broken left on the ground to rot
and my body is nothing to wasted to count for anything
so lord take me in your arms
im sceard and lonly
im not sure where i will go when my heart gives up on me
but i hope that there is nothing that can hold me back
from your arms any longer
help me forgive my self
for the long isolation that took from me
so many people
the long years of self lothing
that still haunt me to this day
the many nights where i lay awake
hopeing that i would not awake in the morrning.
this deep dark hole
seems to have just gotten deeper
and darker then it was before i started this
so lord im leaving, help me.