Diary Of A Hollow Night Poem by Raphael Gouws

Dear me,

I try to cry tonight.
I press my hands to my face,
shaking inside,
but the tears… they won't come.
It's like my body forgot how
to release the weight of all this.

The world outside keeps moving.
Nobody notices me.
Not really.
They nod, they smile,
they judge,
but they don't see the battles
that tear at my mind while I'm awake
or shatter my sleep.

Addictions sneak back in,
quiet, persistent,
like vultures circling a carcass I didn't know was mine.
I tell myself I can stop,
I tell myself I'm stronger,
but the pull is always there,
soft, relentless,
and I give in more than I care to admit.

Sleep doesn't come.
Insomnia drags me through the hours,
a prison of thought
where I meet every fear I've ever had,
every failure I can't forgive,
every empty promise I made to myself.

I feel like I'm living
with nothing inside me,
just echoes and shadows,
a ghost pretending to be a person,
hanging on because…
I don't know why I'm still hanging on.

Sometimes I think I'm invisible.
Like even if I scream,
my voice won't reach anyone.
And maybe that's true.
Maybe I am meant to suffer here,
alone, unseen,
with only this diary
to witness me fall apart.

Signed,
Someone who still exists
but barely knows what that means.