I Just Can't Poem by Raphael Gouws

I'm so fucking tired.
Not sleepy tired —
dead tired.
Tired of fighting I don't want to fight anymore,
I want someone to fight for me.

I hold back tears all the time,
choking them down until I'm shaking.
I remember my friend,
the message I ignored,
the goodbye I never answered.
It still cuts me open
every time I think about it.

I'm a teenager drowning
in frustration and hormones,
lashing out because I can't keep it in.
I tried to give up a few weeks ago,
just before my birthday —
thinking maybe the world
wouldn't even notice.

I've only got five friends left.
Three girls who friend-zoned me,
two guys who barely see me.
My mom and I are always at war,
my sister the golden child,
me stuck in her shadow.

Most nights I dry sob myself to sleep,
spiraling deeper into my own head.
I feel like I'm caged
in thoughts that won't let me out.

My family is on the edge too,
sometimes no food on the table,
and it crushes me to see it.

I want to bang my head against the wall,
I punch myself when I mess up,
because I can't show the marks,
can't let anyone see how much I break.

And the breakup —
a month ago, messy, raw —
it just poured salt into wounds
I never healed.

I'm tired.
So fucking tired
I just can't…