Do Not Mourn Me Poem by Keegan Curry

When I am gone, do not mourn me
Do not mourn me, for I do not deserve it
When I am gone, it will be my own fault
The mistakes I've made piled up, what was once a speck of dusk, the minuity of it a testament to my decency; now looms overhead, a tower signaling my chronic malignancy
Do not mourn me, because this act of taking my own life denies me that pleasantry
This vile act, emblematic of my pain, my selfishness, and my weakness
I am all too aware that my death won't bring about the end of my pain, merely transfer it
I am so utterly sorry to leave you
The finger of blame can only point to me and my demons, as you and everyone else that has ever touched my life, only showed me undeserved kindness
I find it hard to blame the wickedness of the world for my demise, because amongst all the world and its supposed evil, there is you
You are proof that love, kindness, and worthiness exists
You are good
You are not the reason I am gone, you are the reason I was still here
You gave me far more borrowed time than could ever be asked for, but my soul is rejecting it, I am incompatible with your grace
I would miss you, but I will be gone, do not mourn me
Whether I knew you for a lifetime or a week, whether it had been years or hours since I had seen you, you are all my fondest memories
This pain has followed me my whole life, I miss the days where I didn't deserve it
Do not mourn me, because every moment I linger is unyielding agony
I will be gone, and that is better for me
My light has fallen from the path before me, it remains behind, casting a future for me of only shadows
You are good, and I am proud to have known you
I used to be proud of me, but those days have been burned away, letting you and myself down has been the fuel to my life's ruinous flame
The coward that stares back at me in the mirror is met only with my hatred, for he took the reins and ruined my life
I ruined my life
The man that I once was, so very long ago, and the man that I could be, if I would remain here with you, has been beaten and subdued
The man that I want to be screams in the pit of my stomach, incredulous of every mistake I make
I am sorry to have let him, and you, down
Do not mourn me, because I hurt you, I hurt every single person I promised I never would
I am undeserving of a life with you
The limitless happiness and love hurled at me by all those that surround me didn't last, there is a black hole in my heart that refuses to happy, that refuses to be better
I am refusing to be better, even with my soul pleading me to reconsider
I am irredeemable, and yet you tried so hard to convince me otherwise
I miss the days where I didn't believe in lost causes, but I am met with one every time I look inside my corrupted heart
I am broken, I am unwell, and I am to blame
I had to trick you to write this letter, my last testament written under the cover of a fake smile
My eyes burn, exhaustion has become branded upon my very soul, every night I am afraid to fall asleep, upon waking my demons laugh and leer at the hopes and dreams that now look impossible in the gray light of wakefulness
I never meant to hurt you, I wish I was strong enough to have kept that from happening
My death is not proof of great pain, my demons are not stronger than yours, I am merely weaker
You brought me such happiness, every laugh and smile I carry with me to the grave, I am so sorry to have squandered them
There was nothing you could have done, it is my fault for not accepting your help, you offered it without request, you are a beautiful soul
How would things be different, if the people who called me a brilliant child, knew they were speaking to a fool?
They tell me that time heals all wounds, but that is only true if you stay alive long enough to let it
Please, remain here long enough for time to heal the wounds I have given you
I beg you not to follow me into the darkness
I hurt her, I hurt him, and I hurt you, the only people I haven't hurt are those spared through my culling
I am the weak link of my life, I am the sick member of the herd
I miss you already, we could have spent eternity together and it wouldn't have been enough for me
Do not mourn me, for I have the gall to tell you I miss you, when I am the one falling away
There is nothing you could have done, the only thing you could have told me is goodbye, and I didn't give you that opportunity
Please understand, leaving you is the hardest thing I could ever do, but I can't remain here any longer
You are wonderful, I do not say that from a view born of naivety, I do not see you as truly perfect, but I am so deeply proud of you all the same
I was lucky to call you a mother, a father, a sister, a lover, or a friend
I hope that you can come to remember me fondly, though I have no right to ask that
You brought me joy, do not ever doubt that, you did everything right by me
I love you
I am sorry for my unearned selfishness, if you need to hate me, you have that right, do not let anyone fault you for it
I hope that you can continue on to be happy, maybe in some small way through me, but if your happiness is in spite of me, I completely understand
Do not mourn me, do not let me be the reason your darkness wins
One thing I have become all too aware of, is that there is a difference between living and being alive
Do not mourn me, because I was already dead
How sickeningly cowardly of me to want to blame all my faults on my illness, I have been weak in the moments where you, or myself, needed strength the most
I loved you, the world, and life; But I have to say goodbye
Please move on, do not mourn me
Do not mourn me, I am gone