Estranged Poem by rhiannon fisher

pigmentation creeps quietly away, afraid to catch the white ghost chills of past decisions. i am a breeding ground of self-annihilation; of self-disrespect; self-hatred. murderous thoughts penetrate this once laughing mind; a backbone crushed to dust and dispersed among the breeze...at least this would carry me from this depressed glow.
i flow in and out of days aiming no where; finding that i have sold myself short, and in doing so, extended my days to foreverful pity. too social to sit alone; too picky to be a friend to many. too distraught to care any longer.

i feed myself sporatic euphoria, only to find myself chewing impatiently on the poisonous stem without a self-preserving thought.

i run away for a few days and then return when work beckons. i am more alone than i have ever been, and i keep rejecting this; escaping my unforgiving mind and retreating back to my free days.

i am stuck in pergatory, heaven and hell pulling until my arms are so outstretched that i cannot hold another load on my weak shoulders, nor bundle the tiniest (in) convenience. do i shrug or walk on until my knees buckle? i am unsure.

unsure if i truly care any longer. i wake every morning to the thought 'just go', and at night my insomnia ticks away until the mental image of death puts me to sleep.

tim says i run in my sleep, but i cannot remember my dreams.

i want death more than life; sometimes feeling as though alcohol would be a cure for my thoughts, though i have not indulged, and won't.

practice makes perfect, i know. even with this knowledge i have not changed directives.

i feel i have nothing but myself, and i am losing strength and will.


narrow screach to halt,

Gaia