Paulina LozadaCortez

Rookie - 109 Points (8/3/1999 / Bilbury, UK)

Fiction&you (Or 'that Moment When You're Kind Of In Love With Your Best Friend, But You Don't Want Them In Any ‘romantical' Sense... Nevermind, I'm Screwed.') - Poem by Paulina LozadaCortez

We're ever the bookworms,
You and I,
But I'm afraid we have different tastes.

See, your favorite stories are those with magic;
You crave fairy tales, magical wardrobes, and realms so far away that you'd have to take a car, a bus, and a train - but not before hopping on platform 9 and ¾ - just to get within a million miles of where your stories take place -

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Sometimes you catch me staring at you, intently,
Clearly amused.
'What? ' You ask.
At that I can't help but sarcastically thinking, 'Oh, what would we possibly do to pass the time if you didn't ask questions? To what act would we owe the pleasure? To what thoughts would we render responsible for thinking out of line for a change? '

(The 'We' for 'You' is implied.)

A smile threatens to pull itself fully across my lips, inevitable, like the moon upon the horizon of the day,
Weakening and
Fading
But before it does, I cast my head down towards the floor, shaking it
It's a habit.
It's more of a custom, really.
Trying to discretely relish in the warmth in my chest as yet another innocent image of you brands itself into my brain.
Forever.


You think I judge you -
- I know it.
No matter how many times I say that I don't, you Do
Because of the way I look at you.

But you deduce it all wrong.

Every time you ask me why I smile when you outburst in an awkward moment of You
Like a dam giving way, I get closer and closer to breaking, overflowing with the overwhelming words of the honest truth.
But I always stop myself,
Because I can't.

I honestly don't know what you'd do with the truth.


See, I would believe in things like fairy tales, and God, and wizards, and lost beauties and graces who lose their shoes only to be found by the man of their dreams if it wasn't for the problem of you.

You make me want to believe that there are things out there beyond the great beyond that created life behind the stars;

You make me believe that hope and faith can make a difference in a world where people are discriminated against because of their race, in a world where being yourself can get you killed;

The ruled-out impossible you make me wish was true, the improbable you make into reality;

You align the stars in every constellation,
Bending words and the fabric of reality to your will easier than one can bend the flimsy iPhone 6-Plus just with your imagination alone -
You amaze me;

Though I'm not surprised that you're still able to surprise me after all this time.


You don't realize that I mean it when I say 'I love you'.

I try to tell you as much as I can in every way that I can -
But I was never one for showing emotion.
I always thought that emotions were antagonistic to the mind working at full capacity
That love was just a chemical defect found in the losing side -
That all emotion was a disadvantage.

Before you, I believed that Alone was what I had -
'Alone protects me'

But that was never the case.

I have me to protect me now,
And for that, I HAVE to thank you.

I just wish that I could protect you from me, and what I clearly do to you.


You think I can't see it, at least you Hope I don't.
But I know your brain like the palm of my hand; each sinew a train of thought, every tissue a sentence, each and every cell a word.

I can read you like one of your thousand-page novels that you somehow manage to finish in the span of a 5-day school week.


I've got a mind-palace that I walk through time and time again.

Sometimes I walk into the kitchen,
Linger over to the stove,
And, with my bare feet, I get on the very tips of my toes and reach as far as my arms allow to reach into the cupboard that I have reserved - dedicated - just to you.

When you're away, I sit in my 'palace' for a while, sorting through the memories I have of you.
Sadly, not all of them are movies, and none of them are nearly long enough to satisfy my need for your close proximity, but I make do with the scraps I have until you come back to me.

They make me laugh,
They make me cry,
And it astounds me;

How can someone manipulate your emotions and warp your mind without even being in the same room? Without even meaning to?

How can a machine such as I make such a huge fault as this; to allow myself to feel, to be human, rather than using my time to observe and solve and study and become the walking encyclopedia that I've always aspired to be?

Most importantly, how could someone like me ever manage to get someone like You?

A giver to charity
A hero to those in need
A healer
An athlete
A mender of broken limbs and souls alike -

You keep me Right
And, although I can solve, deduce, and observe all night long
I'll never deserve it.


Take this from one of the people who love you most in this Magic-less world
And accept it.

I can't ever tell you exactly what I mean -
- Not while I'm lucid -
But this is good enough for me.
It's for your own protection.

Just know that, as my first and final vow, I swear to the ambiguous deity above that what I say is the gospel truth, and I hope you take it as such.

Because, Unfortunately, I'll never get to tell you,
No matter how many times you may ask.


Curiosity killed the cat; it hasn't gotten you yet -
And I'd like to keep it that way.

Topic(s) of this poem: love, silence, suffering, unrequited love


Poet's Notes about The Poem

(Contains quotes from tv series', movies, and books as well as fictional characters)

Sorry about the ridiculous length, mates, but I just needed to get this out; I was feeling rather gutted when I wrote it, so emotions contributed to this wonderful monstrosity as well. Also, I'm sorry about the terrible quality (I may have lost the plot just a tad) : it's just a first draft.

My apologies.

But hey, feel free to comment and leave feedback so that I can work my way closer to something fantastic, pls! You guys are fantastic,

Thanks.

-P.B

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Poem Submitted: Friday, January 15, 2016

Poem Edited: Friday, January 15, 2016


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