Free Formed Guilt Poem by lulu luv

Free Formed Guilt



once again, the time crawls by as i lay awake hoping to catch a glimpse of some utopian image of love and life's other natural drugs.
this time i am haunted by thoughts of you.
i do not miss you.
i do not need you
i cannot want you.
but i cannot deny that i have hurt you.
its ironic that my maneuvers of evading heartache have caused one so much pain.
I do not wish to apologize, you will not accept it.
i have no interest in the notion that urges us to patronize and as a result antagonize...
i want to torment you to the point where i earn the rightfully deserved hatred that i wish you had for me.
i must know that you hate me for my actions because how else will i live with myself.
how else will i be able to say that i want something new, something good, if i cannot get over the fact that i know all too well why i am not fit to handle someone's heart.
but i guess you're punishing me already. this must be it because my conscience is the harshest judge that i could ever face. it's enough to make me lie awake night after night berrating mysef over how i am the lowest of the low and that this 'playas' game bings her nothing but shame.

POET'S NOTES ABOUT THE POEM
i wrote this as i lay in bed contemplating my emotions after what seemed to be a too easy break-up.
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