Gender Dysphoria Poem by Raven Saunders

My head..
Its spinning round and round, faster and faster,
I'm confused?
Why is this happening to me? Will it ever leave?
Am i a girl, am i a boy? Will I ever be seen just for me?
I sit there in the dark wondering when that time will be, will it ever leave, will I ever be free to be just me?

Gender dysphoria,
Gender dysphoria is a friend, a little friend to me.
It becomes your friend… a friend that destroys you, annoys you, irritates you every step of the way, and never leaves you or to strays.

One minute I am sobbing in the bathroom with tears streaming down my face watching them flow down the drain.
Screaming in my head imagining my life without this little friend. Without my little friend causing me so much pain.

My hoodie as big as possible hiding my body away,
my binder crushing me again and again and again, breaking, pushing my ribs up to their limits until one day i can't breathe no matter how hard i try i can't breathe.
As i feel my binded chest pushing against me i can't breathe…
My friend is suffocating me, destroying; breaking my body, again and again and will not stray.. my friend will never go away.

Then the next minute I'm chugging down caffeine wearing my best dress just to fit in like all the rest.
Hair done,
Makeup done.
Just to all play pretend.
Play pretend in my head.
After insecurity after insecurity,
Loving the attention,
The back and forth attention and confidence that I have for being in my best dressed.
My friend hides away for a while.
Until it's back again…

After I make myself masculine enough for me to satisfy, my friend is no longer strayed; it found its way back just like how messes are made. I'm scared, I'm scared my friend will never stray, never leave, never goes away.
Until one day it kills me, destroys me

Will i ever get my little friend away, will he ever stray,
Will I ever be me…
A girl? A boy? Or just a person and that person is just me.