I Am Afraid Poem by Irene Pang

Sometimes...
I wonder if a pair of eyes is really watching over us
to give us guidance and courage.

Because...
I often find myself in the dead of the night
soaked in a damp pillow,
shivering.

I am afraid.

Gazing into my reflection in the mirror,
I hold on to my breath,
lest my shriek be heard.

Swollen eyes and nose as red as blood
...fresh...
are my only companies.

Legs...
succumbing to the heavy weight of
my burdened and fatigue body,
collapse.

Down I go until my knees meet the icy marbled floor.

I am afraid.

Then I faint
and my memories momentarily drift back
in reminiscence
of the times when I would hold on to
a bouquet of fresh flowers Someone gave me
and run up
and down the green hill
along with the comforting breeze
in a tiny sun-dyed dress.

Butterflies would swarm around me,
dancing happily to the rhythm of my breathing.

Then Someone metamorphosed.

My breathing ceased
and the butterflies shattered into
ash,
which soon dissolve into
Nothingness.

Shocked, I open my eyes and promise that
I will never think in retrospect again.

I am afraid.

Walking down the silent hallway
from my bathroom to my bedroom,
I weep.

Another ten gallons of tears released.
Another night tormented by insomnia.
Another realization that
I am not accompanied in the house but
alone.

(2/19/2008)