I Don't Know You Anymore Mother…..1/3/17 10: 30pm To 1: 26 Poem by MyIner Agony

I had my first fist fight with Mother
I almost tripped and fell and made a sarcastic remarkI said hey I almost tripped and fell and died over this cord I thought that it was just being you know sarcastic making a joke then I close the door to make sure the cat wouldn't get up stairs and then she can lunging for me as if she was going to give me so I closed her out trying to protect myself and she grabbed me and started to hit me I felt in danger to the point I started to hit her back and I pushed her down the steps on accident but then I realized that it worked so when she got back up to hit me I pushed her down again and then she got back up I pin herto the wall and I kept screaming stop stop you're going to hurt me stop she didn't listen to me and she punched me extremely hard and busted my nose and then try to apologize when she realize that she went too far….it's already late I was hurt I mean not to mention I mean just yesterday I found out my boyfriend might actually be a jerk just like the other guys that I mentioned he told me he wanted to come and see me yesterday you know so the day before yesterday you know we talked all night for the first time we actually had a conversation for more than an hour which was what was funny my mom said that I talk to him a lot more she said I should stay up as long as I talk to him as to make a smart remark saying that I only stay up for him and not for her funny thing is that me and him don't have long conversations but I ignored it you know she said it earlier but back to the fight between me and my mom after that I decided I needed to leave so I told her I said I was going to walk back to my foster mom's house she kept on pulling me begging me to stay saying that she loved me and that she cared and that she was sorry I know she might be lying cuz if you love me you probably would have stopped once I pin you to the wall tried to get you to stop but you didn't you even called me a b**** I ignored it though cuz I figured you were pissed so while we were fighting outside I'm pretty sure the neighbors heard and I kept on walking my first plan was to go back to my foster mom's house but then I realized all the bull crap that happened here probably would have happened there and it's not it's different so halfway there said maybe I'll just sit by the church and cool off on my way down to the church I heard her calling my name limping down with her walking cane she says serenity serenity I didn't mean to do that I need you I don't want you to leave I mean I don't need you but I don't want to go through that again where you left me the first time I'm sorry I don't want to give up my the only child that you know that survived I don't want to go through that again I don't want you to be out in the cold I don't want anyone snatch you up while you're walking I don't I don't I don't want you to leave so as I come back we get into the restroom to clean my nose that's been bleeding and bleeding and bleeding forever matter fact it just stopped bleeding at 2 in the morning its 2: 03 right now I have school tomorrow I want to tell my boyfriend everything that happened but I don't even know if I could trust him anymore I can't trust anybody not even myself I sat up there and I went back into one of my poems from back in the day I remember reading the part where I said that I heard voices the voices were telling me that my old boyfriend was lying to me he didn't really want me for me and that I was fat and ugly and unwanted and now that I look at it in the future sad thing is those voices we're right I'm a fat u wanted girl and the only reason that a guy would ever want me as because of his pity, I try to sound tough half of the time at first I thought I was going to be pissed when he didn't show up but that's a totally different story for right now my head hurts I want to throw up and my nose hurts like heck and it's not bleeding anymore thank God…… ulp…. nvm its bleeding again but still the fact that that could have got any worse than it already was my mom said that by pushing her down the steps I might have cracked cracked her ribs now she can't breathe without pain and I feel horrible I mean what am I supposed to say I thought you were going to hurt me so instead of just sitting there letting you hurt me and punish me for something that didn't deserve such a punishment I started to fight back and I know most parents probably wouldn't like that I know that I'm probably going to be a lot worse than my mom and I know that my kids are going to hate me and that my kids are probably not going to understand and I know I'm probably not going to understand until I have kids the reason I am putting thisso that other people can know that sometimes things just don't go the way that they're supposed to I set out for today to be a good day I mean this morning at 9 I went out to the pantry for my mother which I don't usually do I usually find some type of excuse to not go to The Pantry but instead I decided to go ahead and do the right thing and do my mom tells me and I came back put the food away then she left with her friends to go to more pantries so when she ever she came home with more food I put it all in crates and put it on her bed in the coldest room where every other food item is put so when she came home she complained about how the crates for dirty and how they want her clothes and she was extremely pissed so she made me redo it all and she said you finna go outside with me you know if you're not just making as if you don't care about the stuff that I'm doing even appreciate the stuff write it down I told you to write it down she always wants me to write stuff down knowing good dog on well I don't keep up with these notebooks funny thing is that she still blames me for everything but that's okay I said something about the court to you know protect myself from falling but I also worried about her falling but apparently she said that I'm just packed past in the book like my father who apparently makes it seem like you know things are or what they seem will they are what they are or what they aren't I noticed that I'm stuttering a lot because I'm still in shock of everything that happened almost left again and then she told me that she wasn't going to beg for me ever again and that she was going to let me leave and never let me come back I feel like after all of that effort I made the trying to make this day go happy this is the things that I get this is the thanks that I get for all of that funny thing is in my boyfriend thinks that I'm having a grateful for my mother I think so too he also thinks that are very lazy to I guess so but anyway I had a fight with my mom and I think I realized I don't know her anymore